Reposted from The Restraining Order
I'd reckon that any of the four people that stumbled upon this post would not recognize just how great the early 90s Dallas Cowboys were. I mean, sure, to most, they're considered the team of that decade. They had the triplets with Emmitt, Aikman and Irvin. They won three Super Bowls out of four years and probably should have won at least five with that core of talent. But, in addition to those highlights that pretty much anyone can rattle off, those Cowboys teams were special beyond any other for one simple reason, they were fucking crazy. EPIC CRAZY.
I mention this having read recently a good portion of Jeff Pearlman's book Boys Will Be Boys, a retrospective on the heydays of the 90s Cowboys.
Among other things mentioned;
- Born again Christian, former mink coat strutting, hooker and coke loving, AMAZING wide receiver Michael Irvin and "Scissor Gate." This being where Irvin attempted to end teammate Everett McIver's life by stabbing him in the neck with a pair of scissors for not giving up his seat at the barber shop so Irvin could us his team seniority to cut in line for a haircut. Irvin then paid McIver to not press charges/keep it out of the press.
- On Christmas one year, Emmitt Smith gifted his teammates with his own autobiography. Later, when cornerback Clayton Holmes asked Smith to sign an autograph for his mother as she stood nearby, he replied, “I ain’t signing shit!”
- Irvin financed a basketball team "for charity." Sounds nice, right? Well, essentially, the team was just a front to have a private plane so Irvin could form airborne orgies. This was possibly to hold the record for most trips to the Mile High Club.
- In addition to that, the team itself instructed American Airlines to hire attractive attendants for their team flights. They would then keep a book filled with photos and the lady's measurements to request the same attendants for future flights.
- Another choice Irvin moment came again with his "charity" basketball team when he punched a volunteer referee during a game. Also, he charged a large appearance fee for one of the team's events, sticking the Little Dribblers of Fairfield Texas with a charge of$5,600 before abruptly raising the fee, failed to show up, and refused to refund the original fee afterward.
- Pot bust legend-criminal Nate Newton once hid a Snickers bar in his uniform during a game to have an on-field snack as his 350 pound hunger lust could not wait 3 hours to devour a chocolately snack. Apparently, during a block, the Snickers fell out of his jersey causing cornerback Larry Brown to ask his teammates, “Did a damn candy bar just fly from Nate’s body, or am I imagining things?”
- Team owner Jerry Jones once used his premature ejaculation problem as a pick up line when he said, “Give me five minutes and I’ll take you to heaven,” to a friend of a reporter. He then asked the woman what kind of panties she had on under her skirt.
However, the real shocker, especially for my inner 12 year old self that followed this team like each Sunday was life and death, was within a chapter of the book entitled "The Last Naked Warrior." Fearful of what contents might be within by title alone, nothing could have prepared me for the depths of which I was about to be thrust into. For you see, fearsome Cowboy Defensive End, Charles Haley, a man so menacing on the field that he seemed to scare offensive linemen into allowing sacks was probably not so scary only because of physical athletic gifts, but also because of physical pants girth gifts.
Charles Haley was apparently, literally, shock therapyingly, sex crime registration worthy, insane and wanted to let his penis let you know it. I don't believe I've ever been so scandalized as I was as I read the pages of the Haley chapter. What follows is a shocking discover that no fan should ever have to find out...
Charles Haley was smuggling a baby arm holding an apple and wasn't afraid to share it with anyone and everyone.
Here's some horrific Haley excerpts:
- At a team meeting, Haley got the attention of Scott Case and when Case looked over at Haley he was faced with “Haley’s erect penis stretched across the desk.”
- To quote Pearlman: "Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…"
- Haley, ever the prankster, cut a hole in the roof of teammate Tim Harris’ car, got on top, and pissed inside.
- Haley, on his way from the bathroom to a team meeting, pulled down his pants, wiped his ass, and then threw his shit-stained toilet paper at 49ers coach John Marshall.
- Addressing attempts by coaches and staff to end Haley's abuse, Pearlman mentions, "Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’" He would then proceed to graphically talk about other player's wives and bring himself to orgasm.
- Of course, I'm sure you're not shocked to find out at this point that Haley was also a homophobic prick, as, in addition to greeting a new teammate once with simply, “You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.” He also once berated Steve Young with the following tirade after a loss: “I could have fucking won that game in my sleep! You’re a motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback! A motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback with no balls!”
What in the hell? How did this go on? WHY WASN'T THIS MAN STOPPED!
This all pains me to write about for multiple reasons. 1) I'm a long time Dallas Cowboy fan, 2) I don't often feel good about stories about work-related sexual harassment, only rarely and 3) I had a dream after reading about this that Charles Haley's penis was so long that it stretched from the Dallas–Fort Worth Metroplex to Oakland, Ca and came in my window and touched me. What if that's true?
Make no mistake, while the early 90s Dallas Cowboys will forever hold a special place in my sports fan-heart, their image in my mind as heroes has forever been shattered by an unruly Charles Haley cock.
For much more comedy, please visit http://www.therestrainingorder.com. I can't promise anything, but there could be nudes!