Where The Wild Blogs Are

Excerpts From Doug & Order

2009-06-05T22:49:12Z

I recently stumbled upon a spec script I wrote way back in the year 1999. It presupposes that my favorite things when I was 10 years old and when I was 15 years old were in fact one. Those things? The seminal cartoon Doug and the relentlessly great Law & Order.

Here, let's read from its genius.

For more hilarious comedies, visit my new joint The Restraining Order dot com.

Charles Haley Has a Giant Penis and He Wants You to Watch Him Masturbate It

2009-04-09T09:16:35Z

Reposted from The Restraining Order

I'd reckon that any of the four people that stumbled upon this post would not recognize just how great the early 90s Dallas Cowboys were. I mean, sure, to most, they're considered the team of that decade. They had the triplets with Emmitt, Aikman and Irvin. They won three Super Bowls out of four years and probably should have won at least five with that core of talent. But, in addition to those highlights that pretty much anyone can rattle off, those Cowboys teams were special beyond any other for one simple reason, they were fucking crazy. EPIC CRAZY.

I mention this having read recently a good portion of Jeff Pearlman's book Boys Will Be Boys, a retrospective on the heydays of the 90s Cowboys.

Among other things mentioned;

Born again Christian, former mink coat strutting, hooker and coke loving, AMAZING wide receiver Michael Irvin and "Scissor Gate." This being where Irvin attempted to end teammate Everett McIver's life by stabbing him in the neck with a pair of scissors for not giving up his seat at the barber shop so Irvin could us his team seniority to cut in line for a haircut. Irvin then paid McIver to not press charges/keep it out of the press.

On Christmas one year, Emmitt Smith gifted his teammates with his own autobiography. Later, when cornerback Clayton Holmes asked Smith to sign an autograph for his mother as she stood nearby, he replied, “I ain’t signing shit!”

Irvin financed a basketball team "for charity." Sounds nice, right? Well, essentially, the team was just a front to have a private plane so Irvin could form airborne orgies. This was possibly to hold the record for most trips to the Mile High Club.

In addition to that, the team itself instructed American Airlines to hire attractive attendants for their team flights. They would then keep a book filled with photos and the lady's measurements to request the same attendants for future flights.

Another choice Irvin moment came again with his "charity" basketball team when he punched a volunteer referee during a game. Also, he charged a large appearance fee for one of the team's events, sticking the Little Dribblers of Fairfield Texas with a charge of$5,600 before abruptly raising the fee, failed to show up, and refused to refund the original fee afterward.

Pot bust legend-criminal Nate Newton once hid a Snickers bar in his uniform during a game to have an on-field snack as his 350 pound hunger lust could not wait 3 hours to devour a chocolately snack. Apparently, during a block, the Snickers fell out of his jersey causing cornerback Larry Brown to ask his teammates, “Did a damn candy bar just fly from Nate’s body, or am I imagining things?”

Team owner Jerry Jones once used his premature ejaculation problem as a pick up line when he said, “Give me five minutes and I’ll take you to heaven,” to a friend of a reporter. He then asked the woman what kind of panties she had on under her skirt.

However, the real shocker, especially for my inner 12 year old self that followed this team like each Sunday was life and death, was within a chapter of the book entitled "The Last Naked Warrior." Fearful of what contents might be within by title alone, nothing could have prepared me for the depths of which I was about to be thrust into. For you see, fearsome Cowboy Defensive End, Charles Haley, a man so menacing on the field that he seemed to scare offensive linemen into allowing sacks was probably not so scary only because of physical athletic gifts, but also because of physical pants girth gifts.

Charles Haley was apparently, literally, shock therapyingly, sex crime registration worthy, insane and wanted to let his penis let you know it. I don't believe I've ever been so scandalized as I was as I read the pages of the Haley chapter. What follows is a shocking discover that no fan should ever have to find out...

Charles Haley was smuggling a baby arm holding an apple and wasn't afraid to share it with anyone and everyone.

Here's some horrific Haley excerpts:

At a team meeting, Haley got the attention of Scott Case and when Case looked over at Haley he was faced with “Haley’s erect penis stretched across the desk.”

To quote Pearlman: "Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…"

Haley, ever the prankster, cut a hole in the roof of teammate Tim Harris’ car, got on top, and pissed inside.

Haley, on his way from the bathroom to a team meeting, pulled down his pants, wiped his ass, and then threw his shit-stained toilet paper at 49ers coach John Marshall.

Addressing attempts by coaches and staff to end Haley's abuse, Pearlman mentions, "Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’" He would then proceed to graphically talk about other player's wives and bring himself to orgasm.

Of course, I'm sure you're not shocked to find out at this point that Haley was also a homophobic prick, as, in addition to greeting a new teammate once with simply, “You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.” He also once berated Steve Young with the following tirade after a loss: “I could have fucking won that game in my sleep! You’re a motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback! A motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback with no balls!”

What in the hell? How did this go on? WHY WASN'T THIS MAN STOPPED!

This all pains me to write about for multiple reasons. 1) I'm a long time Dallas Cowboy fan, 2) I don't often feel good about stories about work-related sexual harassment, only rarely and 3) I had a dream after reading about this that Charles Haley's penis was so long that it stretched from the Dallas–Fort Worth Metroplex to Oakland, Ca and came in my window and touched me. What if that's true?

Make no mistake, while the early 90s Dallas Cowboys will forever hold a special place in my sports fan-heart, their image in my mind as heroes has forever been shattered by an unruly Charles Haley cock.

For much more comedy, please visit http://www.therestrainingorder.com. I can't promise anything, but there could be nudes!

And so,

2009-03-30T22:18:49Z

A few days before April 1st I've come to you with an announcement that on that day would have made this unbelievable, I come to you to proclaim that the comedy stylings of me, apoplecticfittz, has a new home. I've finally decided to go legit.

That's right, you're old pal Christopher Fittz is finally doing something with the webhosting plan he bought SIX YEARS AGO. Along with friends and LiveJournal hero veterans eagon, rabidglow, evilweevil2029, otimus, and roter_terror I am now posting at and co-running a website we've deemed:

The Restraining Order

You can find more information about what we are about on the about us page. But, just to let you know what you can expect from me there, mostly more of the same of what you've come to expect from me here, just more frequent and much more focused. Some highlights of the stuff I've submitted to The Restraining Order:

Here's a video I made when it was claimed that Law & Order was "too highbrow" for me:

Here's a post about ShamWow pitchmen Vince Offer's crazy prositute adventure:

And, lastly, here's an entry I crafted to catch up with the March Madness Craze, the Monkey Knife Fight Madness, that is:

And, of course, much, much more. (sunday Sunday SUNDAY!)

I'm not completely giving up on LiveJournal, however most of my comedy will be seen at TheRestrainingOrder.com. So, please bookmark us, RSS feed us,(
You can click here to add our website to your iGoogle or Google Reader magic-machines.) and come by and check it out from time to time if you miss me.

DICKS!

2009-02-17T01:58:44Z

The Most Beautiful Woman

2009-02-13T11:46:25Z

I know we, as a fickle society, often struggle with the guttural opinion as to whether or not Sarah Jessica Parker is a physically attractive person. I've often, personally, fallen on the idea that she is a leathery goblin. However, I have had heated debates and the outcome is often polarizing. I mean, sometimes we're presented with the likes of this:

But then, something like this happens and fear and disgust cloud our minds:

What kind of voodoo is she...Wait, what? God. No!

Anyhow, my penis and the penises of a generation have been befuddled and confounded by this woman for decades now. That is, until tonight, when the heavens opened up through the magic of television and displayed a goddess to me. I was watching 30 Rock and paused my DVR during a Garnier UltraLift Pro-X commercial. You've probably seen it, it has SJP explaining the need to professionally lift one's skin in an ultra way with some creme.

Even though the laws of DVR technology promised to suspend time at my whim, Sarah's elegance and divinity shown through and would not be reined in by my insatiable need to grab chocolate truffles off of my coffee table. Sarah and I were locked in a magical, memorable moment. As Valentine's Day nears, I feel it is only fitting that I share with you a gift from the very essence of beauty. Angels, you see, cannot be contained.

That feeling you have right now, as though estranged lovers are passionately thrusting their sex upon your unready stomach lining, that's not because you are creeped out by what you just saw, no. You witnessed the same as I did. I believe all rulings to the contrary most be made moot. Sarah Jessica Parker came to me last night to end the mystery once and for all. Sarah Jessica Parker is The Most Beautiful Woman.

Super Bowl Traditions...

2009-02-03T03:39:40Z

So, Super Bowl Sunday has came and went. But, watching the pomp surrounding the game yesterday got me thinking about all of the traditions that have come to be synonymous with the Superest of all Bowls.

Traditionally, you have your buddies over for some wings, beer, and spinach dip.

Traditionally, you have your six to six and a half hour pre-game show where we find out everything we ever wanted to know about the underdog's courageous punter. (His dad probably died a week before the game after promising he'd only tell him he was proud of him if he ever made it to the Super Bowl.)

Traditionally, you have the armed forces involved somehow. Whether it be a color guard brigade or some Blue Angels flying over head. We're generally going to feel some Troop-guilt for caring about football while another newly-minted (now single) mother finds out her husband just had his head blown off for a war he begged to be let out of.

Traditionally, Faith Hill will sing something. Somewhere along the way Faith Hill became synonymous with football. No one knows how or especially why, but there she is, every time I watch a game, queefing out another song about our fastest growing sport.

Traditionally, companies will spend millions upon millions on ads featuring monkeys. These ads will be so over-hyped that even your girlfriend will stomach the sight of your wing-stained face and beer-bloated, belt unbuckled, gut-overlapping look for the opportunity to see what the Ad Wizards will think of next. Traditionally, we now watch the game solely for the commercials.

Traditionally, the winning quarterback will awkwardly reply to a waiting camera upon the question, "Hey, (insert balding star), you've just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do now?" with "I'm going to Disney World!" At which, the poor guy will actually have to go to Disney World, as though he is now bound by law, and ride in a parade with Mickey Mouse dressed as a football player.

And possibly the biggest tradition of them all now, the Super Bowl Halftime show. Half circus, half dirty live sex act. The Super Bowl Halftime has a long history of one-up-manship. I've decided to look into the history of this tradition.

The Super Bowl itself began in 1967 when the NFL and AFL merged and decided to crown the ultimate football victors. Of course, at a football event of such magnitude, just a regular old high school marching band wouldn't suffice for the entertainment that no one used to watch but instead went to the bathroom. Instead, Anaheim High School's Drill Team were invited to watch Grambling State University's band perform a rousing "Tribute to Slavery." This proved such a hit that the next year, the Grambling State University Band was asked back for "Super Bowl Halftime Slavery Bonanza Bash: Rights for Whites!" After a long, two year term, the Grambling State University Band was finally freed after a out-cry of support from many who deemed it cruel to have the band live out the year at the site of the following Super Bowl.

Super Bowl III's Half Time show would not stray far from its roots, however, as Florida A&M University Band was rounded up to perform a number called "America Thanks Cheap Labor and Spry Athleticism" Certainly, fearing a tradition of awful racism the Vince Lombardi Emancipation Proclamation was put into affect soon after Florida A&M's beautiful performance left a nation in tears for what they had wrought.

The following year, Carol Channing, America's whitest white person was brought in to perform in response to the past shows signaling a new era of Halftime entertainment and a hopeful end to Halftime racism. She would come back the following year for what many concede to be the Super Bowl's concessions to black college marching bands of the first three Super Bowls when Channing, Ella Fitzgerald, and the United States Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon performed:
"An Oral Stimulation Salute to Louis Armstrong."

Many years of Super Bowls would pass, many horrifying Super Bowl Halftime shows would sicken our nation progressively worse and worse. Be it the 1979 Carnival Salute to Caribbean Donkey Shows, or the 1986 Up With People performance that ended with a crowd card stunt that brought us our first look at what has become known only as Goatse.

For your own well being, I am not showing what happened when this crowd flipped those cards, if you are curious, just rent the 1986 Super Bowl video by NFL Films. They have a 20 minute segment about the stunt and how Mike Ditka was able to stretch his anus so wide. Sam Spence's soundtrack has never been so haunting.

Gross displays of ferocious orgies and savage debasements littered the Halftime show for much of the 80s and early 90s. Many a youth would claim to have come of age peaking through their enclosed hands as their parents forced them to look away from the oily, exhausting spectacles. However, due in large part to disinterest and the original Gulf War preempting the Halftime show in 1991, the NFL and network officials decided to sign top acts for the halftime in future years to boost future viewership and interest. The choice was made to bring in Michael Jackson to sing "Heal the World" while small children for every parts of the globe held hand, trembling, and awaiting their turn.

The trend of big stars that followed would lead to Halftime Shows featuring such luminaries as Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Dan Aykroyd, and Miami Sound Machine insulting and assaulting millions upon millions of viewers spanning the globe. In 2002, U2 held an emotional tribute to Bono with the band performing on a heart-shaped stage featured a banner scrolling the names of the nearly 3,000 people who have had sex with Bono in 2001. Controversy hit the Halftime show in 2003 when the scheduled 12 minute set was prolonged for nearly 6 hours, causing nearly everyone to miss the second half of the game, when Sting demonstrated a rousing display of tantric sex with Shania Twain and Gwen Stefani.

In 2004, in what would be one of the tamest events in Halftime history, Janet Jackson planned to expose herself with the help of a then squeaky clean Justin Timberlake. The act transpired with what the duo would claim was a "wardrobe malfuntion" when instead of a full-on nude Janet Jackson, only her saggy, wrinkled breast was unleashed all made worse by a weighty, gaudy nipple piercing that served to only highlight the error. Parents everywhere would call up the networks and thank them for not allowing the event to devolve into a Caligula-esque fuck-fest. There was one mission for the performer at the next year's Super Bowl Halftime Show, to not be upstaged by an aging pop star. Aging pop star Paul McCartney would play his 14 minute set with what he would go on to describe as with a "wardrobe paragon."

There would be no relief for the weathered parents in 2007 when, as what seems now like a probable dare gone horribly wrong, Prince was tabbed to perform the Halftime Show. Prince would come out to the tears of God as a drenching thunderstorm soaked the Miami stadium as The Artist spent 10 of his 12 allotted minutes chanting menacingly before the final 2 minute furious finale ended with an unfurling of a giant demonic phallus that would impregnate all of the virgins in the audience, male or female, with the seed of Satan.

However, his rendition of "Let's Go Crazy" was applauded for being well played with a featured spirited solo.

To switch things up a little, the next year, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were allowed to literally hunt down and violently murder the people that came onto the field to stand near the stage. In between "Free Fallin'" and "Runnin' Down a Dream", Petty was seen brandishing a crossbow. This is an image that is said to haunt the nightmares of the children that were unfortunate enough to have watched it. As well, it was the first live television broadcast of the most dangerous game of all. And this brings us to last night, with Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. The Boss spent the entire performance attempting nothing more than to face-fuck America.

A flash poll of Americans had the majority either satisfied with the performance or just happy that he kept his pants on.

I know I'm not the first to notice this, but...

2009-01-27T10:08:20Z

When did Jimmy Carter become this guy?

Moreover...Cheney?

Yes, I believe so.

Alternative title for this entry: Everything I Learned About American Politics I Learned From Poltergeist 2

Behold the majesty:

2009-01-21T04:39:42Z

As I currently watch Obama's first act as president...

2009-01-20T18:00:13Z

Here are ways in which I have heard Obama's speech described:

"Hard"
"Muscular"
"Intense"
"He ejaculated freedom onto America's moist, waiting mouth, neck and face..."

I think Wolf Blitzer was just projecting a little on that last one.

2008: In Abstract - December

2009-01-01T18:54:28Z

December has the shortest days of the entire year and yet it shares with six others the most days in a month. With a lot of the month spent reflecting it does seem like December is a month with a duel personality. On one hand, an entire year has been laid bare for our pondering and contemplation. On another, a promising new year is upon us and beckons us to seize on the goals and dream not accomplished in the present. So, the nature of the structure of how our months play out are changed in a way in December that lends the month to feeling stagnated. In limbo. Waiting. People are all celebrating holidays or awaiting the year to mercifully end. Sweet closure. Sure, December has snow, Christmas, family, and poinsettias. But no celebrities are out there getting out of Hummers without panties on. No major sports leagues are bothering to hold any contests of any real intrigue. The news is there is no news. December is purgatory.

Of the things that actually did happen in December 2008, perhaps none was bigger than President Elect Barack Obama's transition to the White House. It what will likely be his smoothest road in the next four years, Obama went about his business of selecting the members of his cabinet. The first order of business, of course, was patting the backs of those that helped him get elected in the first place, such as appointing the Chief of Staff position to Rahm Emanuel and Senior Advisors for campaign strategists David Axelrod and Pete Rouse. Obama also decided, though possibly not as priority number 1, that he wanted his staff to have game, as he picked what many have dubbed the "'the best basketball-playing cabinet in American history." As many as five members of his team have backgrounds as basketball players including three members that played college ball. Obama has made it clear that he isn't going to be a golf President. Although Obama did disrespect the White House bowling alley with remarks about taking it out in favor of a basketball court, which to me is super uncool. Nothing is more badass to me than making a deal to crush a country while lacing up your bowling shoes.

Among the biggest names and surprises among Obama's picks was found in the old adage keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Not only did Obama retain some of Bush's Cabinet, he also brought on three of his former Democratic Presidential Nominee rivals with Tom Vilsack as Secretary of Agriculture, Bill Richardson as Secretary of Commerce, and in the biggest news of the month, the naming among Obama's national security team for Senator Hillary Clinton, who was nominated Secretary of State. Obama and Hillary had a fierce battle for the Democratic nomination and though it never turned ugly, it was never pretty in a very Anne Hathaway-way. To me, however, the refreshing thing to see is Obama collecting the people he feels like will do the best job for the country instead of upholding media produced grudges or any perceived hand-outs to his groupies. This transition is not complete, however, until Kucinich is rightfully given his role as Secretary of Awesome. That's some Saxbe fix shit right there, folks.

In the midst of Obama's transition to the White House, Democratic Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was insisting on transitioning to the Fucked House. On December 9th 2008, the mutated hair of Pete Rose wearing Governor from Illinois was arrested by the FBI at his Chicago home amidst allegations of corruption and pay-to-play regarding the for successor of departing President-elect Barack Obama's Senate Seat.
See, this is what I don't get. Rod Blagojevich works in Illinois for the Government. He should know better. Rod Blagojevich happened to have an opening for a position that fell right into his lap that many, many people were keeping their eyes on, so, what does he do? He calls up people and asks them how much money they'd give him to be Illinois' newest Senator. What is this, Rod Blagojevich? Is this eBay? Are we playing Deal or No Deal with wire-tapped briefcases? Is this Let's Make A Deal? I can tell you what's behind door number 2, Rod Blagojevich, and it isn't that brand new home entertainment center, it's your new cell mate who loves that Javier Bardem haircut you're sporting.

I think the best thing about this, and probably the only thing to admire about Rod Blagojevich, is the fact that throughout the proceedings, including on the 16th of December when the Illinois House of Representatives voted unanimously to begin an impeachment inquiry against Rod Blagojevich, Rod Blagojevich has been like, "Fuck ya'll, I'm the Governor of Illinois. I'm bulletproof!" On the 30th of December Rod Blagojevich appointed former Democratic Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to the vacated Senate seat anyway. Of course Democratic Senate leaders and Secretary of State Jesse White said they wouldn't accept the appointment. Either Rod Blagojevic has bigger balls than Cisco Adler or he is dumber than Cisco Adler. Either way, there's something about the fact that he really thinks he's going to be all right, and that he can continue on business as usual, is inspiring.

In other, actual criminals that get away with murder news, O. J. Simpson was sentenced to 15-33 years in prison for kidnapping and robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers in Las Vegas. Society just kept throwing chances at The Juice and he just kept on stabbing them in the face. I'm not exactly sure how he thought it would legally be considered just getting his stuff back from some friends when he went into their hotel room with guns and threatened them if they did not give him back his 1969 Rose Bowl ring or whatever they had. When questioned, O.J. said, "I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas." Literally, I'm not making that up. He actually said that. So, I'm just going to kill a hooker in the fine state of Nevada since the legal system there excuses all crimes as long as I leave my stay soon after the act is finished. Thanks, Juice! One final mystery left unsolved, however, 15-33 years? What the hell does that even mean? I don't even think the sentencing judge knows for sure how many years she wanted O.J. Simpson behind bars. Maybe she just wanted to cover all bases to make sure he dies in prison.

In Sports:
Just when my hate for the Yankees was starting to be overcome by my hate for the Boston Red Sox, December 2008 happened. The Evil Empire struck back. After finishing in third place in the American League East, behind Boston and Tampa Bay, and missing out on the playoffs for the first time in 14 years, the New York Yankees took huge steps in December to make sure all future World Series Championships are bought and paid for. Even though they had out-spent the division winning Rays by almost 200 million dollars in 2008, the Yankees still finished 8 games out. And of course, even though the Steinbrenner running the show in New York is no longer named George, expectations of anything less than a World Series title is unacceptable still remains. In 2009, with the new $1.3 billion Yankee Stadium facility opening, it is actually win at no cost is too costly.

In the span of 2 weeks in December 2008 the Yankees agreed to spend over $420 million to sign three free agent players. Three players. That's all $420 Million gets you these days. Of course, it wasn't just any three players as just any three players wouldn't cut it for the Yankees. Instead, it was the best pitcher on the market, the rotund CC Sabathia (7 year - $161 Million), the second best pitcher available, AJ Burnett (5 year - 82.5 Million) and lastly, and without shame, the best player free agent, first basemen Mark Teixeira (8 year - 180 Million). The team I follow, the Texas Rangers, plan to keep their payroll around $65 million dollars for 2009. The Yankees, however, will have a payroll in the upper rangers of $230 million dollars or so. So, sometimes it is hard to not want to cry foul, so to speak. But, baseball as a business is making so much money right now that the Yankees seem to be ahead of the curve on how a team should spend, not really a proponent for an argument for a salary cap. As ridiculous as the dollar amounts are, the Yankees are paying to be competitive while other teams pocket an absurd amount of revenue. That doesn't make it hard to root against the Yankees, however. Derek Jeter is bad a defense, by the way.

Best Music:
The Welcome Wagon - Welcome To The Welcome Wagon
I'm not even going to try to pretend that music, or entertainment in general, doesn't completely suck in December, so I won't. You hear a lot about companies backlogging their products to get them out just in time for the Holidays, but, I just don't see it. Year after year, by the time December rolls around, it is a wasteland out there in terms of quality. The one exception would be in film, since December is time for the prestige pictures to be released just in time to whip up a frenzy for award season. If indie-religion music had a prestige picture, The Welcome Wagon's Welcome to the Welcome Wagon would take home best picture. When a Resurrection Presbyterian Church in Williamsburg Reverend, his wife, and Sufjan Stevens get together on a Danielson Famile cover, you know the cred is through the steeple. Even though Sufjan has probably been off writing songs about Minnesota lakes or the quirkiness of New Mexico or something, he took time out to produce this little album. Interestingly enough, and probably due to his pattern for a very distinctive composition, Sufjan's imprint is all over this record. Like an angel-faced devil he seemed to have come in and take a very whole bare bones sound from a couple of hard working Jesus worshipers and turned them into full fledge Indie Rockers made in his own image. And that's certainly not a bad thing, you can hear Sufjan in almost every religion toned, folk-based chamber pop note. Give it a listen; find salvation, and no idol above God.

In addition, I've created a .rar file (74.9MB) so that anyone that so chooses can download and listen to all of the songs from this entry series:

Best of January - MGMT-Oracular Spectacular-Electric Feel
Best of February - Sebastian Tellier-Divine
Best of March - Hercules and Love Affair-st-Time Will
Best of April - Cut Copy-In Ghost Colours-Lights And Music
Best of May - Islands-Arm's Way-Creeper
Best of June - Fleet Foxes-st-White Winter Hymnal
Best of July - Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson-st-Buriedfed
Best of August - The Walkmen-You & Me-In the New Year
Best of September - TV on the Radio-Dear Science-Family Tree
Best of October - of Montreal-Skelatal Lamping-Id Engager
Best of November - Surf City-st-Dickshakers Union
Best of December - The Welcome Wagon-Welcome To The Welcome Wagon-Sold! To The Nice Rich Man

Best Movie:
Gran Torino
The Prestige Piece. I don't know if it is just me but I get more and more weighed down by the deluge of Oscar grabbers every December. There are exceptions such as last year's There Will Be Blood, but, otherwise, each year, they always seem to blend together in my mind in a lump of dark trailers with soaring music and overacting that just screams "gimme gimme gimme". I'm going to write a film, I think, actually entitled "The Prestige Piece" and it will be a grand satire that will earn me the acclaim that I deserve. And see, just thinking about it made me crave being rewarded for my work. I'm sure though, just because I've put this out there, those Epic-Date-Scary-Superhero Movie dicks are already squirting out a Leo DiCaprio impression. This year, films like Frost/Nixon, Doubt, Revolutionary Road, Delgo, The Wrestler, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button they are all worth my time and yours, I feel. Well, not Delgo, I put that in there for comedy. I haven't had the time to see a lot of these pictures, however, because I've been writing this really stupid series about one of the worst years in decades.
However, only one movie in December truly hoisted me up by my shirt collar and made me unable to sit right for a week and that movie was Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino. I saw this movie and I swear I thought it was a comedy for the first half. Here's Clint Eastwood's walkin', talkin' corpse and it is chewing out priests and spitting at foreigners. I thought he had finally tapped into the greatest piece of un-mined comedy real estate, the old southern grump. For crying out loud, at one part, Eastwood's character even yells "GET OFF MY LAWN!" to some hoodlums. All that was missing was a pratfall and a slide whistle. However, before I could stop laughing at this hilarious career change Eastwood had made, things went dark. Very dark. Hmong gang vs. old man in Detroit bloody battle dark. And if that sentence doesn't make this movie worthy of prestige, nothing ever will.

Notable Deaths:
A lot of sexy left the earth in December. For example, Eartha Kitt died in late December 2008. She was best known perhaps for her stirring for the times performance of the song "Santa Baby." She also brought the ability to purr and cat puns based on her name to the Catwoman role she inherited from Julie Newmar in the 1960s Batman Series. Orson Welles once called her the "most exciting woman in the world." Which, in another time, he could have been talking about Bettie Page. Not only was Bettie Page considered the original pin-up girl, she was also something of a controversial figure due to also being a centerfold in Playboy and risqué fetish model. The latter part of her career ended up with her having to testify to explain the photos in which she appeared in to a Senate Subcommittee on Juvenile Delinquency after a young man died while copying a Page bondage photograph, or so the rumor went. I like to think he was copying a photograph of YOUR MOM. And lastly, after many years living as a rumor, W. Mark Felt, Mr. Deep Throat Watergate scandal whistle-blower himself, and sexiest of them all, died in his sleep on the 18th of December. Any man who can keep a secret that large for 30 or so years deserves to rest peacefully.

In Fittz News: And so, finally, after 12 arduous days of writing, I mercifully come to this end, the month of December 2008. I wrote this review to memorial a year, to guide us through the times that we lived in the previous 12 months. From a Mike Huckabee public awakening in January to a Mark Felt Deep Throat demise in December, it was only the tiniest speck of time comparatively, and yet, it seemed to last ten lifetimes. I said back at the start of this that 2008 was an exciting year, and it was, even though it was also arguably horrifying beyond belief. In the many ways I've mapped out, 2008 earned the right to be remembered, reviled, and respected. We've woken up on a world today. We have 2009, and we have each other. I hope to anyone who has read even some of this, the catharsis that I put into this work has eased your pain that this year as given us all. I know that I mentioned more than a few times throughout this retelling that if nothing else, 2008 was historic. And that's true, because as of this sentence, 2008 has been history for nine hours and fifty-one minutes.

It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. Here's to you, 2008.

2008: In Abstract - November

2008-12-31T12:50:16Z

There are a lot of celebratory days in November including Thanksgiving Day, All Saints' Day, Adoption Day, Black Fri Day, etc. I think that's because November is nearing the end of the year and there's a lot of things we hadn't the time to celebrate yet. By the time November rolls around, there's not much time left for International Philosophy Day. November is also the most misogynistic month of the year. You don't believe me? Well, how do you account for the fact that November is known as the Men's month, because the International Men's Day is commemorated on the 19th and is meant to celebrate one's manhood? On the 19th of November 2008, I celebrated my manhood over and over. I've also heard that it is quite common for some males in Australia and New Zealand to sport a mustache during the month of November. This custom is known as Movember (Movember being a portmanteau of the words 'Moustache' and 'November'.). Much like my exploits with my beard-adventures, one's fashionable appearance often comes second to the calling of a sporting facial hair event. Noble are the men down under. A similar observance in the United States, called No Shave November, involves a full beard as opposed to a mustache. However, recent No Shave April events have rendered the November edition null.

November would turn out to be quite memorable. There are some events that we experience through in our lifetimes that we never forget. The morning of 9/11, the O.J. Simpson murder trial verdict, the first time you saw Paul Verhoeven's Showgirls and realized it was that tall chick from Saved by the Bell licking a stripper pole without a top on. These are the memory imprints that exceed just memorable moments. They are timeless moments that, regardless where who you ask, everyone can remember where they were when they happened. These moments transcend one's personal history and become a part of the conscious of all of us. On November 4th 2008, on the culmination of the dominate story of the past 2 and a half years, in the United States presidential election, Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States over Senator John McCain. Barack Obama had become the first African-American President-elect in our nation's history.

Obama would go on to carry 28 states plus DC to McCain's 22 states. The final vote total percentage was Obama 52.9% to McCain's 45.7% with Obama garnering over 69.4 Million votes. The stats of the election, however, are only the smallest part of the story. In this case, on that night, to me, it wasn't so much about if we had elected the right person for the job, to me; it was about the fact that so many people had embraced the idea of change. I don't know that Barack Obama will deliver on his promise. I don't know that he will be a great president. I don't even know if where things are now can possibly be improved in a way that satisfies the faith of those almost 70 million people. What I do know, however, is the feeling of pride I had for this country for the first time in this decade and the memory I made while watching Obama accept his post at Grant Park in Chicago while horns honked audibly outside my apartment and hearing the exulted yells sounding almost like sighs of relief.

In other November news...Pirates! Wait, what? Pirates were in the news in 2008? That's right. Oh course, if anyone had seen the historically accurate documentary The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, they would have known that pirates are still a menace roaming our high seas. Throughout the year the Horn of Africa has been plagued by a band of rogue swashbucklers from Somalia. Somehow these ship stealing savages have gone mostly unopposed as they've stolen over $30 million from over 70 hijackings this year alone. However, on the 15th of November, the Somalia pirates took it up a notch by seizing a Saudi supertanker MV Sirius Star and its cargo of over $100 million worth of oil. If the tides have turned and we've returned to a time where pirates are setting sail to pillage and plunder, sign me up. I think I'd make a great a sinister seaman.

In Entertainment:

After 5,479 days of breathless anticipation, with cornrows, minus Slash and Buckethead, Axl Rose had the heart to finally release the latest Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy. Spanning exactly 15 years since The Spaghetti Incident? was released, November 23rd 2008 was a day the nine remaining G N' R fans had been waiting almost a generation for. There are nine members of the band, currently, so, you do the math. One wonders what the fuck took so long for a fading band to put out an album during the 15 year leave of absence. To me, it is actually a bit of genius. Use Your Illusion I & II were well regarded albums in 1991, so, instead of fading away, why not leave them wanting more? Axl Rose was able to string us along for 15 years based on work done back when C&C Music Factory was still trying to make us sweat.

However, now that Chinese Democracy has been released, you have to wonder if Axl just wasn't holding out for the political structure of Chinese to finally shift in his favor. What ever the case may be, we all got a free Dr. Pepper out of the deal when the soda maker honored their promise to share a DP with all of us if Chinese Democracy ever saw the light of day. If being embarrassed to release your product actually works, perhaps the Sierra Mist people could give us a free drink if only 3D Realms would finally put out Duke Nukem Forever.

I have to admit, of the things that happened in 2008, that whole Twilight thing is the one I get the least. And in November 2008, it all came to a head with the release of the Twilight Motion Picture based on the Stephenie Meyer glorified fan fiction books. I mean, I do get that flouncing lady-man vampires are a big hit with the 12-16-year old girl demo. They always have. But, what I hadn't accounted for was the 1 week old to 112 year old lady demo climbing on board this shit-filled train. Basically, friends, fanfic has officially invaded our popular culture and movie houses. I've heard things about the book series that makes me unhappy to be alive. Like, wolfmen fucking high school chicks. Chicks having violent sex with vampires and wolfmen at the same time. I've heard that the books range from "OMG IT'S SOOOOOOO GOOD! ^_^!!!!!!" to "It's so bad that it is good." to "I didn't believe my underwear could get that moist." There's stuff about some kind about glittering. I don't really know. I've avoided this fad like a plague of lupine fuckings.

I saw the trailer for the movie adaptation; it looked like an episode of Mutant X. The worst, however, is inexplicably a scene I happened to catch while searching YouTube for a Muse song. In it, there were two vampire gangs of teens that had come together in a field to don 1880's era baseball uniforms and throw the ball, and angst, around a little. It's so bad, it made me hate baseball. It made me hate Muse, too. I often am pretty opened minded about the things that people enjoy, however, Twilight just leaves me wishing I could have eternal life so I could slaughter everyone that paid for a ticket to see the movie and make Twilight relevant.

In Sports:

The New Zealand Kiwis have a story not unlike the Tampa Bay Rays. Before becoming the Kiwis, they were known as "The Professional All Blacks." and while both team names don't fly these days, on November 22nd, the Kiwis became world champions for the first time as they defeated the Australian Kangaroos in the 2008 Rugby League World Cup Final. It was considered one of the biggest upsets in the history of Rugby. In fact, Australia hadn't lost a Rugby World Cup since 1972. In addition, the Kiwis also have the greatest team dance since the Super Bowl Shuffle; a war cry known as the "Haka". The Haka consists of the team lining up opposite their opponent and screaming and slapping at the other team for about five minutes. The traditional Maori war dance or challenge has been part of New Zealand rugby and league for over a century and has often attracted criticism, particularly in the Northern Hemisphere. And though a controversy over sportsmanship, the Haka is still less offensive than William "The Refrigerator" Perry and that punky QB Jim McMahon attempting to sing.

I was going to write about Jimmie Johnson winning the NASCAR Winston/Nextel/Sprint Cup championship for the third consecutive year, a feat only equaled by Cale Yarborough before him. I was all pumped up by the history of such an accomplishment...then I realized two things: Number one, even though I am a fairly equal opportunity sports fan (I mean, I wrote about Rugby...who talks about Rugby? Rugby players don't even talk about Rugby.), I hate NASCAR. Second, and most importantly, when one gets wrapped up in the world of NASCAR, this apparently is what happens:

No thanks. Instead, I will continue to go on pretending NASCAR exists only in the fantasy world in which jugs are used as musical instruments and the preferred hooker is the toothless hooker.

Best Music: Surf City - Self Titled EP
November was a pretty dry month for the world of music. I mean, among other terrible occasions, Vanilla Ice announced his presence back into the world of entertainment. There were albums released by Nickelback, Mudvayne, Ricky Martin, Third Eye Blind, Linkin Park, Paramore, Good Charlotte, and Britney Spears. And, of course, I mentioned the shame spiral known as Guns N' Roses. So, essentially, every band you've ever hated released an album in November.
However, Surf City, a lo-fi outfit out of New Zealand released a self titled EP to soothe the maddening depths of winter. Previously know as Kill Surf City until the band had to shorten it due to a band in the UK already having an unlucky urge to kill. On their self-titled debut EP, Surf City, owns their Jesus & Mary Chain reference anyhow. The four-piece band plays some psychedelic pop in the same vein as their country-mates The Terminals or the Straightjacket Fits. Of course, if that's not your thing, there's always that new Sammy Hagar album that came out in November 2008.

Best Movie: Role Models
David Wain is a hilarious dude. I'm glad he is making movies. Also, Paul Rudd is in Role Models. So, you know, 'nuff said. I've also heard that Slumdog Millionaire and Milk are good and are in my queue to watch, but you know...

Notable Death: Michael Crichton
Michael Crichton was something of a renaissance man in the entertainment industry. He was a novel writer, screenwriter, director, text-based game creator, and unexpected perisher via throat cancer. On November 4th 2008 we lost our Lost World creator. Crichton was perhaps best known for writing Jurassic Park. One wonders if he kept a mosquito filled with his blood in amber around for himself to be cloned. After all, Crichton had essentially figured out the method in which to live forever. And, if not, he can live on forever through his works. For example, in December 1994, he held the distinction of having the #1 book (Disclosure), the #1 TV show (ER), and the #1 movie (Jurassic Park) in the US. Beat that, John Grisham.

In Fittz News:
After apparently somehow out lasting many others, I was promoted at my job. It's cool when one is prompted because it generally means that they are either A) doing a noticeably good job at work in ways that have changed their role with a company, making a promotion necessary. Or, B) The benefactor of attrition. I have to say, thank the heavens for attrition. With my new found power and glory, I've been placed in charge of other people. I've never had people working under me before...except for that passionate night I spent with Brian Dennehy. What's interesting about having charges is you begin to look for the things you know you got away with when you were a mere underling. I assume that is basically what it is like to be a parent. You kept your pot smoking from your folks by only doing at friend's houses, so now that you have kids, you often find yourself outside of your kid's friend's houses with binoculars. Same thing. So, I have to say, I'd probably be a great parent because I don't care if you silently smoke pot with the window open in your room but you'd better not get a girl knocked up on prom night!

2008: In Abstract - October

2008-12-30T14:21:35Z

October is unquestionably the best month of the year. It holds the first real taste of autumn. The weather is cool and crisp. The football season is unfolding as the baseball season reaches its climax. Halloween, our best and most holy of holidays, haunts us with anticipation as we frisk about the falling leaves. What other month offers the ability to be named Rocktober, have a German beer festival, and a facial hair themed event called Choptober? The answer is no other month. Although, I should probably assume the Germans have a celebratory beer festival every month and Oktoberfest just happens to be the one we Americans appropriated. In addition to being magically, October 2008 upped the awesome ante by introducing the inaugural Global Handwashing Day. I don't know about you, but I take the cleanliness of my extremities very seriously. Such a festivity is truly a wonderful thing, much like everything else about October. Know now, we finally had a day, October 15th, to bathe in the glow of greatness.

However, that which is great never seems to last long. After the complete and utter tanking our economy went through in September, October was all about the Bailouts, baby. I'll give you a brief idea of what the bailout of our financial institutions entailed. It is a three step process, really:

Step 1. Fail while getting paid millions.

Step 2. Beg congress for 700 billion dollars of tax payer money to make sure the system in which you are allowed to fail and make millions stays afloat.

Step 3. Take out your dick and slap the faces of every American while you laugh.

I'm not going to pretend that the bailout wasn't necessary, it was. The last thing we wanted was a bunch of Russians and Chinese up in our grill. Not the good Russians and Chinese, either, like Maria Sharapova or Jackie Chan. No, I'm talking Putin and melamine-filled-wares peddlers. And if not for the ability to nurse this thing back to some semblance of health, that's pretty much exactly what would have happened. We are currently financing this damned country. We couldn't get them to throw in the cup holders, so I'm just hoping we got a good interest rate. Ultimately, what I have a problem with in this whole mess is that it got to the point that it was necessary. Alan "The Maestro" Greenspan would come out and specifically say, "Yes, I found a flaw." He, apparently, was "shocked" while being grilled about his free-market ideology at an October Congressional hearing. What I wonder is if he was as shocked as I was when my 401k laughed at me like that dog from Duck Hunt.

As the free world crumbled around itself in October, something of a phenomenon was transpiring on another one of our institutions. I'm speaking of Saturday Night Live. Thanks to a stroke of hotness, McCain's Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin just so happened to look an awful lot like former SNL head writer Tina Fey. So much was their likeness uncanny that anticipation built for the September 13th 2008 premiere of the 34th season of Saturday Night Live. Although Tina Fey had left the show in 2006 to create her own show, 30 Rock, rumors swirled that she would indeed come back to portray the Alaskan Caribou Barbie. Not only did the show open with Fey as Palin, Fey would stay on to pop-in as Palin for the next 7 weeks satirizing the GOP's use of Palin in sketches ranging from mocking Palin's Couric interview, to playing up the governor's photogenic appearance.

The stunning thing, however, is the fact that not only did the Fey/Palin impersonation boost Saturday Night Live's ratings by nearly 50%; it also affected the outcome of a then tight race. New York Times television critic Alessandra Stanley wrote that the McCain campaign believed that Fey's Palin had "undermined Palin's plausibility" as a qualified candidate, and Stanley deduced that the Palin headlined October 18th 2008 appearance on the show was done simply to "disarm" Fey. Palin and Fey never exchanged words on the show, only a glance, but the damage had been done. A comedy writer had taken parody to its highest ability, the ability to fuck things up. It was a grand moment, indeed.
However, to all you ladies (and worst yet, you "men") who thought it was awesome to dress as Sarah Palin at your office's Halloween Party, I hate you. At the very least you could have gone as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, you unfunny dicks. (I got second place to an Office Palin at my company's costume contest. I'm allowed to be bitter.)

In Sports:
Ladies, Gentlemen, in 2008, pigs flew. If that imagine evokes the emotion of the impossible, then the impossible in Major League Baseball was achieved. On October 19th, 2008, the Tampa Bay Rays were crowned the 2008 American League Champions and advanced to the World Series for the first time in their history by defeating the Boston Red Sox 3-1 in the deciding 7th game of the 2008 American League Championship Series. Before the season the team had never finished above fourth place in their division, the American League East, a feat they achieved only once before.
The Rays, in their first 10 years in the league were a combined 645-927, a winning percentage of .410. The closest the team had come to first place at the end of a season, before 2008, was 18 games...in a year they lost 92 games. In 2007, the Rays would win 66 games to finish 30 behind the Boston Red Sox. In 2008, however, they won 97 games and claimed the division.

Turn-arounds like that are generally exclusive to the world of sports. However, what the Rays did was as close to unlikely as the game had seen the days of the early 90's Atlanta Braves. Hell, their division mates, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox combined to out-spend the Rays by over $299 million dollars in payroll. The Rays entire 25 man roster cost less in 2008 than the Yankees' third baseman (Alex Rodriguez, $28 Million) and first baseman (Jason Giambi, 23.4 Million) by $7.2 million dollars. That's insane.
Some say the team was only successful in 2008 after exorcising the name Devil from their pre-2008 name the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. And sure, the devil is in the details when it comes to the storybook ending. The team didn't win it all. The 2008 World Series Champions were the Philadelphia Phillies; however, I think just this one time, some of us will remember the guys that finished 2nd.

Best Music: of Montreal - Skeletal Lamping
So, you know how when you were a kid and you were just past that age where you wanted to be a fire truck or dinosaur when you grew up but before the age where you realized that you didn't want to actually grow up at all? Remember how then, you had those grand ideas to become a rock star with your rock music and you'd put on concerts where you'd come on stage riding a unicorn? Well, of Montreal is that dream of your youth come to life.

I still can't believe this band came out of Georgia. Of all the places I know where ideas and creative thoughts are nurtured and allowed to flourish, I'd say Georgia is close to the bottom of that list. Georgia is where creativity goes to curl up and die under that house. Somehow, some way, Kevin Barnes' band of merry misfits have put out about a million albums since 1997. Their latest, Skeletal Lamping, is excellent because, frankly, nothing is really different. Instead, there is only the camp out on the pinnacle. Barnes and the gang are still putting out pop music that is so catchy that'll you'll be humming their shit until the day you die. MGMT's Andrew VanWyngarden and of Montreal's Kevin Barnes are teaming up on a project band named Blikk Fang for 2009. Needless to say, I am on board.

Marnie Stern put out an album off of the Kill Rock Stars label that I found aurally pleasing. The album is titled, follow along please, This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That. That lady can shred and she goes all Fiona Apple on her album titles so I dig that. What's sweet about Marnie is she is basically a motivational-speaker. She uses rock n roll to melt your face and your heart.

Oasis also put out an album in 2008, Dig Out Your Soul. I'll never stop believing that it isn't really 1994 and the last 14 years have been some kind of cruel joke played on all of us if only so I can continue enjoying Oasis, which I often do. I always enjoy hearing the venom spew from the Bros. Gallagher. I must say though, my ability to enjoy this latest album was halted by my current employment of all things. I work at a company that puts television on cell phones and one of our products is music videos. One week, for the whole week, my job was to test the Alternative Music Video channel to make sure our ad placements had been integrated correctly. During that week, I heard "The Shock of the Lightning" from the Oasis album at least 700 times. In fact, I can't play a single musical instrument, but I guarantee you, I could play every note from that song.

Best Movie: W.
W. was pretty cool because the movie had scenes from when George W. Bush owned a share of the Texas Rangers. What's interesting about that, to me and no one else, is I actually was within 5 feet of the President-to-be during that era in his life. My family took a vacation in 1993 out to Arlington, Texas and while there we went to see Nolan Ryan pitch as he was my New Kids on the Block. Before the game, dubbed "Nolan Ryan Appreciation Day", my sister and I made poster-board signs congratulating the pitcher on his 27 years in the big leagues; we, along with other kids with signs, got to walk around the foul ground dirt and warning track. It was like a mini-parade of idol worship.

Anyhow, as we waited to exit into the tunnel that would lead us off the field and toward our seats, we were near the caboose of the conga line, so to speak. As the back log of children desperately tried to milk a little more time on a major league field, we were standing right next to the owner's seats as some press were speaking to George W. Bush.
While I had no idea who the strange, squinting man in front of me was at first, the kid in front of me however was a big fan, apparently. This kid looked like a tiny Charlie Korsmo in his tenth month of chemo treatments. And over the course of the next five minutes he proceeded to breathless shout, "GEORGE BUSH JR., GEORGE BUSH JR., GEORGE BUSH JR., GEORGE BUSH JR., GEORGE BUSH JR.," over and over and over still until finally our future 43rd President looked over at him and said, "Enough, kid, I'll come over and sign for you in a minute." When I see that memory now in my head, W. is played by Josh Brolin and everything is wonderful.
This is what it looks like:

Frankly, I don't know why this moment was left out of the movie.
Also of note: Blindness. I saw Blindness after being intrigued by the trailer, mainly the visuals. But, I have to say, after seeing it, I'm pretty sure they based it off of this infamous sight-based-joke I once wrote while waking up from a fevered dream:

Finally, I'm also going to get around to seeing that Synecdoche, New York movie that I keep hearing about, though, not because TIME Magazine wants me to. I mostly want to see it to figure out how exactly you pronounce Synecdoche.

Notable Death: Studs Terkel
We lost, without question, the best person ever in October of 2008: Studs Terkel. What made Studs Terkel so wonderful? Well, Studs Terkel was an American author, Studs Terkel was an historian, Studs Terkel was an actor, and Studs Terkel was a broadcaster. Studs Terkel won a Pulitzer Prize for General Non-Fiction in 1985, even. Studs Terkel was perhaps best known for his oral histories of common Americans; Americans unlike uncommon folk like Studs Terkel. Studs Terkel was a crazy, Billy Barty looking, awesome old man that I am saddened isn't around anymore to look crazy and be named Studs Terkel. Studs Terkel was named Studs Terkel. Studs Terkel.

In Fittz News:
October holds the most impressive of all days: My birthday, October 10th. Soon, the stars and Gregorian calendar will align to produce the immaculate day known simply as 10/10/10. On that day, I shall become pure energy. Everyone I've ever seen, spoken to, or thought about is invited to come bask in me. Yes, basically, I am using this section as a birthday party invite two years in advance. What?
And, also, in October 2008, I made this:

Once completed, I was sure I had created the best pumpkin that doesn't have U2's Bono carved onto it. Though I tried, nothing yet has topped the BonOlantern.

2008: In Abstract - September

2008-12-29T10:26:42Z

September makes me happy because at its time of the year I am ready for summer to fuck off. It's too hot, the days are too long, and my baseball team is always out of contention. The ninth month of the year makes me ready for autumn, and September does its best to usher in autumn's glory. Much like August, due to some craziness with the Roman calendar, September is actually a derivative of Septem meaning "seven". Had the Greeks kept their tradition of renaming the months after their Emperor, September might now be called Tiber for Tiberius or something equally as lame. Regardless, though confusing to the few remaining Latin speaking countries, I'm sure, September it remains.

The big story of the month of September was the arrival of the election landscape changing political hurricane known as Sarah Palin. While Barack Obama surprised no one and held serve with his selection of Senator Joe Biden to be his running mate, John McCain threw his Hail Mary pass. Governor Sarah Palin wasn't known to anyone in the lower 48 states before August 29th when she was announced as John McCain's running mate. There was palpable buzz over the fact that, with Palin in tow, we were heading to a showdown that would produce either the first African American US President or first female Vice President. Palin was a sportscaster/beauty contestant turned Mayor of tiny Wasilla, Alaska, turned Governor of our craziest non-Utah state.

Palin came on strong; she was the Republican's "Hockey Mom", their "Pit bull with lipstick." She was the designated attack dog of the McCain campaign as she successfully stirred a lifeless GOP base. Palin, it was even claimed, would succeed in taking the votes left from a disgruntled failed Clinton Campaign. However, trouble signs on the trail appeared almost as quickly as the Governor stepped into the spotlight. There was "Troopergate" in which Palin was accused of firing her ex-brother-in-law an Alaska State Trooper. Many in the public wondered why Palin was being kept from the media in more intimate interviews. It wasn't until her September 26th interview with Katie Couric that we found how unprepared the Governor was. The transcript tells the tale of Palin's attempt to clarify a previous statement in which she said Alaska's proximity to Russia served to assist her foreign-policy credentials:

"We have trade missions back and forth. We do — it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where — where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is — from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state."

She also apparently read all of the newspapers and magazines that (had) been in front of (her) in response to what she used to "establish (her) worldview." If the wheels didn't come off with the public outing of Palin's less than stellar accreditation to be our new VEEP, the McCain Express Bridge on the River Kwai'd its way into oblivion thanks to the Subprime Mortgage Crisis.

News came on the 14th of September that Bank of America had negotiated the buy $38.25 billion in stock buyout of Merrill Lynch. And, more shocking, Lehman Brothers filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. In response, McCain say, essentially: "Our economy is strong." Now, I'm sure he was just trying to be upbeat and keep the blue hairs who attended his rallies from grabbing for their heart medication, but it just solidified the nation's view that McCain was out of touch. McCain had a back-and-forth lead at the time.
After his comments that day, he wouldn't lead again. And, with the day's news, neither would America. On the 15th, Lehman Brothers, after 158 years of business, was done. eBay was littered with personalized stationary of execs just trying to pay rent. The Dow Jones plummeted by over 500 points. We were witnessing the global financial meltdown. It was Armageddon and no amount of Steve Buscemi was gonna save us.

In Entertainment:

Case and Point: The 2008 Primetime Emmy Awards. First, the decision to have a grab bag of failures Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst, and Ryan Seacrest host the proceedings was, on consensus, dreadful. Sure they were each nominated for an award, but that award was for Outstanding Host for a Reality Show or Reality Competition which is like "Best Sarah Palin Costume" at your office Halloween party this year. Seriously, Tom Bergeron hosted the Emmys, guys. Do you understand what an insult that is? For Christ's sake Angela Lansbury hosted the Awards one year. Who actively besmirches the name of Angela Lansbury by letting Howie Mandel even get up on that stage?

Here's a rundown of the big winners:
- Outstanding Drama Series: Mad Men
- Outstanding Comedy Series: 30 Rock
- Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad
- Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series: Glenn Close in Damages
- Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock
- Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Tina Fey in 30 Rock
- Outstanding Asshole in a Triumph: Jeremy Piven for saying of the host: "What if I just kept talking for 12 minutes, what would happen? That was the opening."

I remember New Kids On The Block because I was alive in 1989. In fact, my sister was so wrapped up in the hype that I was used as a pawn to gain fifth row center seats to a New Kids concert I didn't even attend in 1990. Myself, then 8, and totally oblivious to pop music, waited in line with my mother and sister for tickets with no more than a few other avid NKOTB fanatics ahead of us. During food runs, I was left alone. You could say, I was Hangin' Tough. Anyhow, I saw a repeat of this phenomenon with N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys. I still am not sure I understand the appeal.
Word in early 2008 was the New Kids would reunite to record a new album and tour. On September 2nd, they I release their album The Block, their first studio album in 15 years. So, a bizarre thing happened, the 15 year olds that saw the group when they were around the ages of 25 in the early 1990s were now 30 years old women going to see saggy, shirtless 40 year old guys singing "You’re my pop-si-cle, all I know is that you make me feel so fancy-free." There was a lot perverse about it then, and now it was just confusing. In case you are curious, yes, my sister did go see again on their reunion tour.

In Sports:

On September 14th Carlos Zambrano of the Cubs pitched a no-hitter against the Astros. Now, according to Michael Huber of Muhlenberg College and Andrew Glen of the U.S. Military Academy, the odds of throwing a no-hitter in any given game are .0013. This is based on a study these two baseball nerds compiled. The odds of making history stood the same. This no-hitter was the first in MLB history thrown at a neutral site, as the Cubs were playing the Astros at the Milwaukee Brewers home ballpark.
It was technically a home game for the Astros as they were scheduled to play at Minute Maid Park in Houston until, as a consequence of Hurricane Ike striking the Houston area, the Astros were forced to play two games at Milwaukee's Miller Park. Miller Park happens to be only 76.4 miles from Wrigley Field. This essentially made the two contests foster Cubs home games. The Astros would go on to lose the Wild Card by only 3.5 games. And the man behind the decision, Commissioner Bud Selig, well, before he was Commissioner, he was an owner. And who did he own, you ask? You guessed it, he owned the Milwaukee Brewers. There is a script in this just waiting for Scorsese to direct.

Best Music:
TV on the Radio - Dear Science
While I totally dug "The Stand Ins" by Okkervil River, a band I saw live about three years back and fell in love with, I would be remiss to ignore the masterpiece put out by TV on the Radio. Ironically enough, I saw TV on the Radio on their support of Return to Cookie Mountain tour and was left underwhelmed. I don't know if it was a bad night or they just aren't a great live band, but they didn't possess the intense dreggy sounds of the album. Maybe mucking things up as a product is just something that is better left for the studios. Nevertheless, I really loved Return to Cookie Mountain. To me, it was the album I had awaited for years; the culmination of immense talent. It was a proclamation that TV on the Radio wasn't just going to be about random a cappella covers and computer-voiced lyrics about Oprah Winfrey fucking robots. The decided they wanted to be Rock and Roll.

So, with Dear Science I was anxious to see what that next step would be. Apparently, they decided they wanted to make the next classic. It's the best album of the year. Everything that made RtCM great had been taken to the cleaners on Dear Science. No longer is TV on the Radio satisfied with gimmick, they want to set standards. The decision to take art-rock and make it accessible has been attempted before, it's hard to do, for one, art-rock is generally terrible and meant for contempt and derision. However, with Dear Science, TV on the Radio used a more traditional sound; gone are the days of rubbing the print in the dirt, instead we hear calculated exuberance. TV on the Radio has found the joyous formula. Dear Science, what a breakthrough.

Best Movie: Appaloosa
I'm pretty sure, ultimately, Burn After Reading was the best movie of the month, but I can't be sure of that because I didn't see Burn After Reading. I'm not even entirely sure why that is. I love the Cohen Brothers. I am a huge fan of Brad Pitt in his more unusually roles and I really have always wanted to pay my hard earned money to see John Malkovich punch Brad Pitt in the face. I don't know, though. I just never bothered to see it. I couldn't even be bothered to steal it illegally. Someday, I'm sure, with nothing on, I'll check the HBO I'm paying $10 a month to never watch and it will be on, and I'll feel like a dummy for never having watched it.
Until then, however, for September, the best movie of the month was Appaloosa. Okay, listen up. What we're talking about here is a film with Viggo Mortensen, Ed Harris, Jeremy Irons, and Lance Henriksen. If that rogue's gallery of badassery doesn't get you going, this film is already lost on you. Oh, also, it's a Western. Oh, also, it's awesome.

I also liked Choke even though no one else did. I don't think I could envision a better role for Sam Rockwell. No one plays dirt bag better than he does. I know it was pretty med However, I must admit. Though I've read the book, and I know it is about sex addicts, I didn't anticipate the copious amounts of nudity in the movie. It was bordering on porn, which, with Sam Rockwell, just isn't attractive. Kelly Macdonald, however...

Notable Death: Paul Newman
National treasure Paul Newman, September 26th, succumbed to his battle with lung cancer. I mean...Luke Jackson, Butch Cassidy, "Reg" Dunlop, and Sergeant Wilson from "Tales of Tomorrow" Ice from Space. He was an incredible actor, fantastic race car owner, and he made out of this world marinades. I mean, that Newman's Own Mesquite with Lime Marinade, good Lord. I want to just bathe in that shit. It has made me ponder, however, does the Newman family walk by the condiment aisle at their local Safeway and see Paul wearing a sombrero on a jar of Newman's Own All-Natural Bandito Salsa Pineapple with that charming smile? Do they see that and just burst into tears on aisle 6? I would. Hell, I do.
In addition, and no less sad, on the 1st of September, Don LaFontaine, died from a blood clot in his lungs. You may not know him by name, but there is likely not a single person in America who didn't know him as the Movie trailer voice guy. He was also nicknamed included "The Voice of God" and, apparently, "Thunder Throat" which sounds provocative. In a world...where Don LaFontaine...doesn't live...is...barely worth living. Feel the sadness, embrace the pain. This Summer...Tears.

In Fittz News:
My best friend moved into my place in August which kind of sucked because I wasn't around for most of it and for the few days I was, I had a serious case of Olympics fever. So, September was pretty sweet having a new roommate as well as for the fact that I couldn't hold out any longer, I succumbed to fate and purchased Rock Band 2. I would like to say I was drawn in by the possibility to play Aqua Lung in my underwear at 3:30 in the morning, and while that is among life's treasures, I really purchased the game because it had an Interpol song in it. It is possibly the second best instance of playing with battery-powered plastic instruments. And is without a doubt the greatest invention for a party since drunken Apples to Apples. Finally, I won my Fantasy Baseball League. FUCK YOU, RED SOX NATION!

2008: In Abstract - August

2008-12-28T12:36:04Z

Did you know the month of Augusts' flower is the gladiolus, and its birthstone is the peridot? Or, that our 8th month was originally named Sextilis because it was the sixth month in the Roman calendar? It's all very confusing, but, basically, we have Augustus to thank for the month of August as Sextilis was renamed in his honor in about 8 BC, by then, it was the 8th month of the year. Frankly, I like Sextilis much better. Something tells me Michael Phelps would have been happy with it called Octotilis.

The Games of the XXIX Olympiad opened in Beijing, People's Republic of China on the 8th of the 8th month of the 8th year. It was in the first occasion that either the Summer or Winter Games were hosted in China. The Games ended with 87 countries winning at least one medal during the Games, a record.43 new world records and 132 Olympic records were freshly set. The Chinese won 51 gold medals altogether, the second most since the United States won 83 at the 1984 Games in Los Angeles. Of course, those games were boycotted by the Soviet Union and 13 of their allies.

I couldn't get enough of these Games. I watched NBC coverage, MSNBC, CNBC, USA, BET, hell; I was watching the Olympics on my cell phone in the middle of commuter traffic. It didn't matter what the event was. Rowing? Sure, I could go for some rowing. 2:00 AM Dressage? You bet your ass I was staying up for that. I loved the Summer Olympics from my childhood. The Barcelona Olympiad was among the first giant spectacles I truly remember feeling completely committed to. And from there, I was hooked on the Olympic Games. That is, until the Greece Games. Frankly, I barely knew they were on. The coverage was embarrassing, the stories were limp, and the events were stale. These Beijing Olympics awoke a dormant spectator from within.

The opening ceremony alone was awe-inspiring. I remember the opening ceremonies in Atlanta in 1996. It was one fat guy with a handful of Black Cat firecrackers and a sparkler prancing around an addled Muhammad Ali as he walked for about 2 hours across the length of the stadium in an unequaled moment of awkwardness. The Chinese, however, had Samurai slaying dragons made of sex and magic, drumlines that would make a southern black college band weep, and they literally had a Chinamen fly around the entire Bird's Nest to light the Olympic flame. It was breathtaking. Sure, some of the fireworks were digitally added but the pomp and circumstance was stunning. I don't think I ever saw as many fireworks at the crescendo of the event, but, could you really expect anything less from the Chinese?

Over 11,000 athletes from over 200 countries participated in total; however, the Games belonged to two men: Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt.

If 2008 weren't the year of Barack Obama it would be Michael Phelps'. In fact, he is likely the first media darling to look exactly like Dopey of the seven dwarfs. The disproportion of Phelps' body compared to his face is as vast as his achievements. Of course, he is the only person to ever win 8 gold medals at a single Olympic Games. Michael Phelps broke the record for most golds in one Olympics and for most career gold medals for an Olympian. He ended the Games as the most prolific Olympic athlete of all time. Much of the early drama of the Games came in his almost daily events. All told, he finished with seven world records, one Olympic record, and one fame-soaking mother in the stands for each race setting Olympic-sized records for most cock blocks in one event.

Before the steam even began to rise off of Phelps Mania back in the states, a Jamaican Bolt of lightning would stake his claim to history. Not only did he dominate the Games, he ending up having the most apropos name in modern history. It's like if Michael Phelps were named Swimmly McRecordBreaker or George Clooney were named Anypussy Iwantski. Before the games Usain Bolt was known within the track and field circles (or is that Track and Field oblongs?) as something of a disappointment. While immensely talented and a favorite to take gold in his three events, he hadn't yet reached that mark that people expected him to.
So, at the August 16th Men's 100m Finals, Bolt went out and ran a 9.69 like he wasn't even trying. Not only was that the fasted recorded time in history, it was the fastest by .15 seconds. In the world of sprinting, that's a lifetime. Not only was the record set without a favorable wind, he also was visibly slowed by celebrating before he finished. His shoelace was also untied. Then, he followed that up in the 200m Finals with a World Record time of 19.30 collecting another gold medal. Bolt would end his Games in the 4x100 m running as the third leg of the Jamaican relay team that would win gold and set yet another World Record. Usain Bolt, in August of 2008, had secured the title of "World's Fastest Man." It is said, this is both a blessing and a curse when used at a bar in attempts to pick up ladies.

Of course, it wasn't all gold medals and under-aged gymnasts in China for the Olympics. Chinese restaurants in Beijing were apparently told not to serve dog meat during 2008 Summer Olympics, but could continue to serve donkey meat. Sadly, and to the disappointment of many, ass eating was not an officially sanctioned Olympic sport. And elsewhere, one day before the start of the Games, August 7th, the country of Georgia and the disputed region of South Ossetia erupted into war. Other parties involved included Abkhazia, and Russia. The conflict lasted for only 10 days, but it shall ever be remembered for producing the following:

In Sports: Oh course, the big sports news of the month of August 2008 was the Olympics. There are a couple of moments outside of the ones I've mentioned that I feel are worth noting.

If you are around my age then you remember fondly the exploits of the 1992 Dream Team. It was the greatest team ever assembled and honestly something of the end of the last great era for the sport of basketball That said, an American team losing even a single game of basketball in an international competition is an embarrassment to everything we hold dear...which is namely our sneakers and our Escalades. Not only did the US squad losing a game in the 2004 summer Olympics, they finished the event with a Bronze medal. That horror came two years after finishing in sixth place in the World Championships. Two years later, in 2006 at Worlds, the team would finish third, again. Clearly, they had disgraced our perceived mad hops. The world, it seemed, had figured out how to stop the American's undisciplined, me-first style of play. Without Gold, I'm not sure the team would have been invited back to this country and I'm not entirely certain they would deserve their flight tickets home. Enter the Redeem Team.

Led by a who's-who of current NBA greats, including Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, and Chris Paul, and coached by the venerable Mike Krzyzewski, the team was easily the favorites for gold. So had they been in 2002-06, however. As such, this was the hurdle that needed to be bounded. The team went through rigorous practice to train in the aspects of International play that had passed their predecessors by. Ball handling, speed up and down the court, and defense on half court screens and runners were the focus. It paid off for the squad. The US dominated Group B in pool play, defeating China, Angola, Greece, world champion Spain, and Germany by an average of 32.2 points. After finishing first in their group, and knocking off Australia in the semi-finals, they would face off against Spain in the finals.

The game started at 2:30 in the morning ET. So, if you weren't a night owl west-coaster like me, you weren't watching what was easily the best basketball game seen in the past 10 years. Although the United States had defeated Spain by 37 points in qualifying play, Spain kept this game close thanks to some hot shooting from guards Juan Carlos Navarro and Rudy Fernández. The American's largest lead of the game was 14, and their lead was cut to 2 with about 9 minutes to play. However, on August 24th 2008, the US defeated Spain 118–107 to capture the gold. Dwyane Wade led the United States team with 27 points. Bryant contributed 20 points, including a huge 4-point play with 3:10 remaining. Basketball in the US had been redeemed. The restless ghost of Christian Laettner could finally rest.

And lastly, while Michael Phelps would still have been a huge story of these Olympics and of 2008, his story wouldn't have had the weight and impact, the happy ending, as it were if not for Jason Lezak.

Michael Phelps' quest for 8 gold metals rested, in his second Finals heat of the Games, on the backs of three of his teammates, Garrett Weber-Gale, Cullen Jones, and Jason Lezak. In addition to relying on a team, he was defying odds. The field was so deep, the top five teams would go on to topple the previously held World Record. The US Men's 4 x 100m freestyle relay team was not the favorite, that title was held by the French. The same French team that anchored by Alain Bernard, who promised to "smash the Americans" at the Games. And at the final leg of the heat, Bernard held a .59 second lead, which against the man who would go on to win gold in the men's 100 m freestyle event was virtually insurmountable.

So, Jason Lezak swimming in what would likely be his final Olympic leg he finished the final 50 meters .9 seconds faster the froggy villain Bernard to win the race. He won the race by swimming the fastest relay split in history. You can't make something like that up. If there was one thing to me that defined the 2008 Summer Olympics, it was those final 50 meters. Everyone in my house got up on their feet and screamed for that victory. It is the image of those games in my mind.

Best Music: The Walkmen - You & Me

A favorite band of mine since their 2002 release Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me Is Gone, The Walkmen kind of fell out of that salt shaker that was the early 2000s NYC band scene. They always seemed to fall well within the shadows cast by other, more hyped, bands from that time. However, I think they have aged as well or better than any band that started this decade. Their follow up, Bows + Arrows, is one of my favorite albums of this decade. However, I had sort of slept on them these past 2 years or so. I didn't love A Hundred Miles Off so when I picked up You & Me to give it a listen, I was excited to remember why I like this band so much. With You & Me you can hear the amplified highlights of the band's strengths with, shockingly, unleashed vocals from Hamilton Leithauser whose voice often felt smothered. With a stay of execution and the noose off his neck, Leithauser voice projects what I couldn't imagine to be a more perfect instrument. Also of note is the band's ace in the hole; drummer Matt Barrick. Barrick is one of my favorite drummers from an indie rock outfit. He really shines on the tracks "Postcards From Tiny Islands", "Four Provinces". On New Years Eve, put on "In The New Year," it is the anthem of this project.

Best Movie: - Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder

Interestingly enough, I'm pretty sure studios just started releasing porn as major theater releases. I mean take a gander at the titles of these movies released in August: Young People Fucking, The Midnight Meat Train, What We Do Is Secret Bottle Shock? If that isn't convincing enough, a week into September something called Bangkok Dangerous was introduced to the public. It literally states in its title that it is about how dangerous it is to bang kok (sic). Luckily enough, with all of that porn up in our faces, we had some comedies to fall back on, comedies such as Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. I am giving these two movies my co-movie of August because they were, tonally, similar. Plot, story, acting, of course they were different movies, but they were the tone-setters of the month. And thank science for them; we needed some fucking comedies this year. We needed a laugh in 2008. We needed to see a fat hairy Tom Cruise on our movie screens. I don't care that you are shaking your head saying we didn't, because we did.

Notable Death: Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, and Jerry Wexler
I have to say, it was a bad month for our African American male entertainers. First, August 9th, Bernie Mac died from complications due to pneumonia. Apparently, a few years before, Mac disclosed that he suffered from sarcoidosis...which begs the question, why wasn't House M.D. on this shit? It's ALWAYS sarcoidosis. We'll miss Bernie if only because he was in every movie. His absence will be felt more than his presence. Then, on the 10th, Isaac Hayes succumbed to a stroke. This was a tragic loss as not many people can perform complete concerts shirtless and pull it off. As far as I know, it's only Neko Case and Isaac Hayes, and we've only got Neko left. Finally, on August 15th, Jerry Wexler, while not African American, the man who coined the phrase "rhythm and blues," died from congestive heart failure. He was asked several years before his death what he wanted on his tombstone, Wexler replied "Two words: 'More bass'". This mirrors my request for simply: "".

In Fittz News: I traveled to Portland for work for what amounted to the majority of the month. Essentially, after my team was laid off, I was responsible for training their replacements. Awkward. I had a good time, though, because I was holed up in a nice hotel and the Portland is one of my favorite places. My theory as to why I have such vivid memories of this August 2008 is because something different happened in my life. I'd argue, for those of you who are pondering this year that is passing, the times in which you were thrown out of our routine were the times you remember the details the best. It's like how in April when I killed that homeless man...the blood never tasted as real.

2008: In Abstract - July

2008-12-27T09:20:36Z

July was among my most favorite months as a child. July = The Month for Summer. It's the apex of fun and sun. It is baseball. It is dragonflies at dusk. It is freedom, food, fireworks, and family. July reminds me of ice cream sandwiches and playing in the dirt.

Sometimes, instead of memorable election stories, destructive natural disasters, or passionate displays of pride of country, something pumped out by our entertainment industry can set the tone for a period of time. For the summer of 2008, that was The Dark Knight. Christopher Nolan's follow up to his reboot of the Batman franchise was among the handful of blockbuster movies that lived up to their considerable hype. We finally got the perfect blend of comic book lore and style mixed with the dark, gritty reality of Gotham's streets. All it took was a Batman movie without Batman in the title.

The Dark Knight set a new record for box office receipts for an opening weekend with $158.4 million earned between Friday and Sunday. It then just kept making money at a breakneck pace. However, even more astounding was the fact that a film as large, as well received, as commercially successful, was actually about the battle for the soul of a good man. And, he loses.

HE FUCKING LOST. The fact that we kept piling into the theaters to see Evil prevail is simply amazing. A lot of praise due to Aaron Eckhart's Harvey Dent has gone to Heath Ledger most certainly because he cannot achieve anything more than he did with his Joker. Everything that needs to be said about that Ledger's role and his performance has been, but, this movie was a Harvey Dent tale. Heath Ledger's Joker will be remembered as a classic cinema villain forever, as it should, bit I still find the fall of Harvey Dent to be what I will remember from The Dark Knight. I believe in Harvey Dent.

This news got buried (like an ice formation on a distant planet?) by other events in July, however, on the 31st; NASA announced the Phoenix lander exploring Mars had discovered water on Mars. But, it didn't end there, no. There is not thing NASA won't send a probe to discover on Mars. Nothing. Hours after the announcement of water on Mars, William Boynton of the University of Arizona, lead scientist for the lander's "oven" Thermal and Evolved-Gas Analyzer, or TEGA said, "We have tacos." He would later add, "We've seen evidence for this tasty shelled beef before in observations by the Mars Odyssey orbiter and in Pico de gallo observed by Phoenix last month, but this is the first time Martian tacos have been touched and tasted." Earlier, NASA officials said the Phoenix's mission had been extended until the end of September, describing its progress so far as "very delicious."

In Sports:
July 2008 was a classic month for sports. There was the 15 inning MLB All-Star Game held during the final year of Yankee Stadium. Jon Bon Jovi's Arena Football team, the Philadelphia Soul, won Arena Bowl XXII. Yes, you did just read that sentence. However, two events in particular blew me away. The epic happened.

Grab your strawberries and cream, ya'll it's time for some retelling of the Wimbledon 2008 Men's Final! Now, you there, stop rolling your eyes. And you, zip up! Before you scoff at the fact that I'm writing about a sport that maybe a dozen people here follow, I want you to instead read, and enjoy, the tale of the greatest tennis match ever played. First, the competitors: Roger Federer is, arguably, the greatest male tennis player ever. Federer is 617-149 total, has won 57 titles, 12 major titles, and is the all time leader in career earnings with $44,593,957. Most impressively, he won Wimbledon five straight years coming into the 2008 tournament...including the previous two years over Nadal in the finals. Nadal, on the other hand, was known as a clay court specialist. He won the previous two years at the French Open but always the bridesmaid to Federer on any other surface. However, they are the only men in the open era who have played each other in 6 Grand Slam finals. They are the Bird vs. Magic of the tennis world.

The match: July 6th, Nadal finally got the monkey off of his back and defeated Federer in five sets to win his first Wimbledon title and fifth Grand Slam championship, 6–4, 6–4, 6–7(5), 6–7(8), 9–7. It was the longest Finals match in Wimbledon history with play lasting four hours and 48 minutes. Long rallies marked the final points before Nadal put away Federer, a man who had previously never lost a major championship final other than the French Open. If you ever get a chance to catch that match, sit down and enjoy it, it doesn't disappoint.

At the aforementioned final year at Yankee Stadium held witness to another event from the year 2008 that I will never forget: The Legend of Josh Hamilton. On July 14th Josh Hamilton set the record for most home runs in one round of the Home Run Derby with 28. To put that into perspective, at the time, the leader had 8 home runs. He hit a home run on 13 straight swings at one point. And 16 of 17, 20 of 22, and 22 of 25. All-Star second basemen teammate Ian Kinsler said of the performance: "He hit that sign and that ball just disappeared. And it was like it was gone forever. I kept looking at that sign, and I was thinking, 'There's not a chance I could probably hit that thing from second base.'"

To add some sugar to this super sweet story, Josh Hamilton hand picked his BP pitcher for the event, 71-year-old Claybon Counsil, a pitching coach at an old summer league that Josh had attended. Hamilton promised Counsil, after long evenings throwing fat fastballs to him, that if he ever hit in an All-Star break Home Run Derby, Counsil would be his BP pitcher. If you place an ear to the wind just the right way, you can hear Kevin Costner furiously masturbating.

Best Music: Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson – Self Titled
In some respects, July was a thin month for music. If summer is the months for the blockbuster films, summer is generally the graveyard of the music scene. There were some good albums released in July, however. For example, I enjoyed Dr. Dog's painstaking attempt to recreate the sound of The Beatles Rubber Soul era, and Ratatat's 2008 LP for continuing my trend for giving heed to music that is fun to move to, not just sad-sack skinny white guys with guitars music. That said, how about a talented skinny black guy with a guitar?

When I first heard the first track off of Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson (We'll call him M-BAR for short)'s self titled new album, “Buriedfed,” the voice coming was unmistakably influenced by Isaac Brock. And not to mention, the build up on the track mirrored the intensity of bootleg Modest Mouse stuff. That's not a bad thing to give off. Still, this debut was worked on with the help of Grizzly Bear's Christopher Bear and Chris Taylor to lend a bit of their fantastic instrumentation. The sum of these parts produced a sound that has a mix I've come to call Grizzly Mouse. I dig the combining of the skill and presentation of Grizzly Bear, but with the kicked in the teeth energy of Modest Mouse.

Best Movie: The Dark Knight has been discussed and was the best movie of the month. However, July 2008 was clearly Ben Kingsley's. Well, granted, every month is Ben Kingsley's, however, you can't deny a month in which Sir Kingsley was in a film (The Wackness) where he played a late-life crisis, pot-smoking therapist in the middle of the hip hop mecca known as 1994 NYC. I wanted so desperately for a Benny King LP with mixes from T-Pain. Also in July, Kingsley portrayed a superb shady Russian investigator in the noir thriller Transsiberian. Please like to talk about John Malkovich or Christopher Walken, but for my money, no one can play that Any-Role quite like Kingsley, and in July 2008, he was the King.

Notable Death: Tony Snow

Tony Snow is, essentially, the Bizarro Tim Russert. The wink from God when Snow's cancer was announced almost made me go to church. I will say this for Snow; he was excellent at what he did. He was the mouthpiece for evil and as much as he shoveled it in, we ate it up. Maybe it is because of Tony Snow that we haven't crucified Dick Cheney. If there is one thing the Bush administration will be remembered for it is their uncanny ability to misinform, misconstrue, and miss the mark without consequence. Tony Snow was the master at the make believe. You hated how good he was at being our Wormtongue. Still, in those last months when he was parading that corpse around for one final presser, you couldn't help but wonder if he was going sit in the mouth of Satan or would he have his ear?

In Fittz News: I found out that all of my friends at work in my department were getting laid off at the end of the month...except for me. This led to a month that played out like a long episode of 24. There was, among other things, secret meetings, hushed whispers, moles, rats, hearsay rumors, and, I believe, someone got water-boarded. In the end, I could be found off the coast of an exotic island on the deck of a Russian drug lord's yacht with bikini-clad models at each side counting my millions. Role credits.

2008: In Abstract - June

2008-12-26T10:13:23Z

On June 3rd, after an epochal tug of war throughout the primary season, long after John McCain had settled his old score against the Republican Party, Illinois Senator Barack Obama won the Democratic Party's presumptive nomination. With his victory, he became the first African American to be nominated by a major party. The struggle was grueling; the causalities, many. From political titans Senator John Edwards and Governor Bill Richardson to more-eccentric, less-hopefuls like former Governor Tom Vilsack and former Senator Mike Gravel, Obama left many formidable foes lain waste.

Obama's Democratic victory was not a foregone conclusion. He was not the favorite for much of his 2 year campaign. Not only did he take down the old guard, he also had to defeat an idealistic Keebler Elf in Representative Dennis Kucinich.

However, it wasn't "official" in the hearts and minds of many Democrats until the 7th of June when Senator Hillary Clinton suspended her presidential campaign and endorsed Obama's run for President of the United States.

The Clinton/Obama showdown was nothing short of legendary in the perspective of history as well as vitriol. Through the whole run each primary seemed to shift the balance of delegates back and forth. Usually by Super Tuesday the outcome is an afterthought, but Obama and Clinton were racing almost neck and neck. For each huge Clinton win in a major state, Obama would seem to win two or three smaller, yet dense, states to keep a leg up. It was in June, however, that delegate math and time finally caught up with Hillary and she conceded her run. This was not, however, without concern for the Democratic Party. Many in the party felt the drawn-out primaries had left the Democrats in a weakened position over the rested and ready McCain.

June 2008 set the stage for an improbable match-up. In one corner was The American Hero™, John McCain. Beaten and blooded by the year in the machine but never disemboweled. In the other corner was The Media's Hero®, Barack Hussein Obama. Young, black, and named almost perfectly to never win a US election. It was Experience vs. Change. Old vs. New. "My Friends..." vs. "Yes We Can." We would be witnessing the campaigns of what amounted to everything we knew and treasured about what it meant to be an American vs. everything we now hoped we could accomplish as a nation. Most importantly, however, we would have five months to see Keith Olbermann spiral into a feverish Barack Obama fueled delirium.

June 2008 was about the ride.

Fruit, however, would not take a backseat to history. Fruit only takes a front seat...to murder!

June 9th: First McDonald's stopped serving sliced tomatoes in its burgers following a Salmonella outbreak linked to raw tomatoes. This was the first sign. Suddenly, bereft of their Big N' Tastys, Americans everywhere sat up and took notice. Our cold sweat-soaked hands were wringing a sandwich wrapper that had noticeably been absent of crisp tomato. Before long, fear was not all that had spread. By June 11th, the Food and Drug Administration had received 167 reported incidents of Salmonellae from eating tainted tomatoes in 17 states. Our BLTs only BLs with salads struggling to be more than only rabbit food, June 12th the Salmonella outbreak caused by these tainted, vengeful tomatoes continued to worsen with 228 victims in 23 states. From there the details remain sketchy. Reports talk about an encampment where unaffected humans still exist. I have lost hope, however. All we know for sure is the tomatoes control things now. God help us all.

In Entertainment:

A Three Alarm fire broke out on the back lot of Universal Studios on June 1, 2008. We lost the King Kong ride, some recreated city streets, (mercifully) the War of the Worlds movie set, and the Video Vault. None of these were considered major losses. There are plans to rebuild an updated King Kong ride. The spools and spools of Law & Order footage lost will undoubtedly replay in full eventually on TNT. The one true loss was the Back to the Future Courthouse Square which was burnt to the ground. Asked for comment, a bewildered Doctor Emmett Brown could only muster a soft, sad...

"Great Scott..."

The other summer blockbuster video game, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots for the PlayStation 3, was released on June 12th. I haven't played the game because the PS3 costs over 70 million dollars to own. But, you know, it does have a Blu-Ray player! However, the game did achieve critical acclaim, earning scores of 10 out of 10 from both IGN and GameSpot. The game was also a commercial success as it shipped 3 million copies worldwide, selling 1 million in Europe over 500,000 in Japan, and 1 million in US within the first few weeks upon its release. Perhaps the economy isn't as bad off as it seems if all of these people can afford such an expensive Blu-Ray player and all.

In Sports:

June was an excellent month in the sports world. The Boston Celtics didn't win the draft lottery again so after being terrible in '07, so in an effort to escalate their rebuilding process, they brought in Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. And wouldn't you fucking know it, they won a championship. Boston sports teams are the new New York sports teams. However, instead of the traditional sports, I am going to highlight some things that the average American sports fan might have missed. Why? Because hockey needs love too!

In addition to the Celtics return to prominence, the hockey world saw some of their royalty, an original six member; the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup. In addition the Washington Capitals forward Alexander Ovechkin won the Hart Memorial Trophy for most valuable player as well as the Art Ross Trophy for most points and the Rocket Richard Trophy for top goal scorer. Needless to say, he is something of a magician with the puck. He scores in ways that I haven't seen since I walked in on my parents watching Color of Night.

Now, the one sport Americans hate the most: Soccer. I'm not even going to pretentiously call it "football" to prove a point, but, soccer is amazing. Nothing proved that more than Euro 2008. The Euro championship is like the World Cup only they don't let in simpering, awful squads like the United States. It's only the best teams from the countries that actually love the sport. Spain won, also, on June 29th 2008, defeating Germany 1-0 in the final through a goal by Fernando Torres. This is same Spain squad that hadn't won a major tournament since 1964. Spain is always one of the more talented teams in any field but never put together a run until this year. Now, the World Cup cannot come soon enough.

Best Music: Fleet Foxes - Self Titled

There was a lot of good stuff in June. My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges, Wolf Parade- At Mount Zoomer, and The Notwist - The Devil, You + Me all probably could have carried any of the other months I mentioned so far, or close to it. However, they all fall in line behind Fleet Foxes in June 2008. If the overall scene trend in 2008 was for producing a more free flowing sound, the Fleet Foxes took it, ran, and did it better than anyone else. I am considering them for my album of the year, but, to me, if they aren't my favorite album, their sound is the one that makes me think of 2008 the most. Fleet Foxes’ music has a folksy sound not because they're trying to be dirty hippies (even if they are), but because they are playing a type of music that no one has had the balls to pay this entire decade. You have to like how well they play their instruments. I haven't taken this album out of my rotation in months. For your seasonal pleasure:

Best Movie: WALL·E

Take one part Johnny Five, a cup of Logan's Run, a pinch of Silent Running, a dash of The Brave Little Toaster, and copious amounts of Fred Willard and you have the treasure known as WALL·E. If Fleet Foxes sounds like 2008, WALL·E is the cockled-warmed heart of the year. The first 50 minutes of the movie is the peak of Pixar's film making. Everything about it was spot on. Pixar set out to make us feel for and emote from the cues of an inanimate object and they did just that. WALL·E is the year's best actor.

Notable Death: Tim Russert
Some will try to tell you that George Carlin's death on June 22nd was more important. However, Carlin wanted to die, so this was pretty much a non-event. Bo Diddley died on the 2nd, so Diddley don't know Diddley, no mo. But the most notable death was the untimely death of Tim Russert on the 13th of June. Not only was it just one of those surprise, "Wait, don't guys like that live forever as we watch them age uncomfortably on TV?" deaths. Russert's death also left a gaping hole in the actual balanced coverage of our nation's politics. He was an institution on Meet the Press and his work on NBC news' coverage of elections was unrivaled. I thought often of Russert as the election ups and downs that followed this month rolled on towards crescendo. Election night just wasn't complete without his white board. Instead, we had the Black Eyed Peas broadcast as holograms. Truly, we weren't ready for Russert to sign off.

In Fittz News:

I made a video memorializing the only friend I ever had: Super Tecmo Bowl. Instead of taking the Internet by storm by all rights, it has instead languished as easily the most underrated and undiscovered gem on the vast realms of the web.

2008: In Abstract - May

2008-12-25T05:21:25Z

Well, fuck...let's talk about May 2008. Prepare to be depressed. On May 2nd an estimated 146,000 in Myanmar were killed by Cyclone Nargis. The damages were estimated at over $10 billion, which made it the most damaging cyclone ever recorded in this basin. Reports have since laid fears that it is possible that, due to lack of relief efforts, a total of a million people already have or will die from this catastrophe. It was the deadliest natural disaster since the Boxing Day Tsunami in 2004. Fuck.

Then, May 12th, not to feel out-disastered, a magnitude 7.9 earthquake hit China's Sichuan province, killing at least 69,000 in central south-west China by the Sichuan earthquake. Around 374,176 were left injured, with 18,222 still listed as missing. Approximately 15 million people lived in the affected area. It was the deadliest earthquake to hit China since the 1976 Tangshan earthquake, which killed at least 240,000 people and was the strongest since the 1950 Chayu earthquake in the country, which registered at 8.5 on Richter magnitude scale. Fuck.

In America, not to be outdone, Barbara Walters admitted to having an affair with US Senator Edward Brooke, killing at least 156,500 boners. Millions more boners were still listed as missing. Fuck.

In Entertainment: The Summer Movie Bonanza was in full swing in May but let's talk for a moment about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Why the fuck was this made? That's all I could think when I was seeing this movie. First of all, Last Crusade ended perfectly with Indy, Dr. Henry Jones, Sallah, and Brody all riding off into the sunset. Secondly, and more importantly, Shia LaBeouf? Are you kidding me? He didn't really swing around with monkeys, did he? Mutt is Indy's son? No. I hate you George Lucas. It's your fault. You wanted fucking aliens in an Indy movie. YOU said you were tired of looking to the past. Get fucked to death, please. Cate Blanchett was pretty hot, though, no? Fuck.

In Sports: In the sport of kings, Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby starting his speculative run at the Triple Crown. Finishing second was filly Eight Belles...in tune with the theme of the month; she broke both front ankles during the post-race cool-down and was immediately euthanized. Fuck.

Best Music: Islands - Arm's Way - I really dug The Unicorns back in the day and when Nick Thorburn took his honed pop-ear to form Islands I was pretty happy that he was still making music. Given what I had come to expect, I think '06s Return to the Sea was something of genius. I was very impressed with that album. I think Arm's Way progressed in a different way. I really wanted to hear something dark both lyrically and in arrangement and I think that was delivered. This wasn't the best album of the year and probably not even in my top ten, but, it was hearing something new from a band I like and that doesn't happen enough. Fuck.

Best Movie: Iron Man - I guess I should fess up that I didn't really see many movies this year because, frankly, this was a pretty miserable year for film. And May didn't really disappoint that. Iron Man was the best movie of the month...but only by a small margin. Coming in a close second was Made of Honor. Oh God, Patrick Dempsey. I know, I've been there. Always the hilariously gendered bridesmaid, never the best-man-who-fucks-the-bride-before-the-ceremony-because-she-really-wanted-you-not-your-best-friend-groom. Gentlemen, let's all have a good cry. Fuck.

Notable Death: Sydney Pollack - Remember that scene at the beginning of Eyes Wide Shut where Tom Cruise is visibly trying not to be grossed out by that model's enormous, perfect breasts while he is trying to keep her from ODing on a speedball? No? Me neither. I too was too distracted by Sydney Pollack's shirtless and in suspenders Victor Ziegler. Sydney Pollack died in May 2008. He died, it so happens, just weeks after the release of Made of Honor...a film which included the last ever screen appearance of Sydney Pollack. Fuck.

Fittz News: I went to the May 3rd 2008 contest between the Texas Rangers and Oakland Athletics. In addition to seeing my team, the Texas Rangers, prevail, I also prevailed over all that is sane by sitting in the All You Can Eat section. I had a total of the amount of hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos, soda, and ice cream sandwiches I had eaten, what it normally would have cost had I sat in any other section of the park, and the amount of calories that I consumed; however, I think it is best left unshared. It was a massacre fitting of May 2008. Fuck.

2008: In Abstract - April

2008-12-24T10:05:49Z

A funny thing happened toward the end of April with the release of Grand Theft Auto IV. Not only did it dominate the entertainment business, advertising, and expectations for the months leading up to it; it did all of those things in a way so massive that I can't recall another game that had such an impact on the mainstream. In fact, Hollywood producers set a new precedent by altering release dates so not to conflict with the release of GTA.

Although, it didn't pan out the way it was predicted, for weeks, I read how producers were worried that GTA would potential harm to the May 2, 2008 release of Iron Man. That's amazing because Iron Man was to usher in the summer movie free-for-all. It is interesting to see how much movies will be impacted by video game release dates. Though, it should be noted, that not all video games are GTA IV.

Of course, all with the impact on the entertainment industry, GTA IV got the panties-in-a-knot industry in an uproar, as well. It was the proverbial atomic-wedgie. People love to talk about the fact that the GTA series allows you to just walk around beating hookers and shooting cops. What the fail to mention, however, is that no one actually plays the games that way because that makes for a non-enjoyable experience constantly being chased by cops. The most violent game ever, if you ask, would be something from the Olsen Twins oeuvre. You buy GTA for the story, action, and ability to explore a living, breathing city. You buy bad games and they will make them want to kill people.

In Sports:

The University of Kansas Jayhawks defeated the Memphis Tigers in the championship game of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. This is more proof that March is terrible. The contest that is named March Madness doesn't even have a conclusion until April. Embarrassing.

The Olympic torch relay hit SF in April. It was hilarious. Not only were there Tibet related obligatory protests, but also, the first runner in the relay disappeared into a warehouse and went on an alternate route to avoid the protest. Of course, to those following the announced route, this caused all kinds of confusion. Basically, an event was held that promoted to bystanders where to go to watch it, only the route was changed without notice to avoid protests. I just imagine the leg runners running around the city, their proudest moment, skirting in an out of back alleys. The Bay Area is awesome.

Best music: Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours - Finally, proof that the Aussies can make awesome music. Once it was thought to be a myth. This album is a total call back to the synthpop era of the 1980s. I often wondered throughout this decade why no one was going hard after that era, well, here we go. I just assume in Australia the synthpop era of the 1980s is still fresh and so Cut Copy is just playing the current hits they hear in the radio. God bless 'em. Here's a video of one of my favorites from the album. It shows a good example of why the new speech bubble annotation on YouTube videos is one of the stupidest things ever.

Best Movie: There Will Be Blood - Yes, I know this came out in 2007, BUT...It came out on DVD in April, and it is awesome. So, so awesome. I wish Jonny Greenwood had won that Oscar he earned. I wish I lived in 1890s Texas, now. I wish I were an oil man. I wish I were as evil as Daniel Plainview. I wish I could play a snake as well as Paul Dano. I wish I had fucking milk shake. Baby Mama came out in theatres in April. It has been a pretty good year for Tina Fey, I'd say. More on that later.

Notable death: Charlton Heston - God damn him all to hell! I appreciated Charlton Heston because he was just a crazy dude who loved his guns and made some of my most favorite movies ever. But also, he had that awesome series where he read the Old Testament. It was like a comedy and a terrific horror film all in one. Nothing is scarier than the Old Testament and nothing is more terrifying than Charlton Heston reading it. And somehow, together, it is hilarious.

R.I.P., Chuck.

In Fittz news: Maybe the worst month of my life. Easily the longest. Moving on...

2008: In Abstract - March

2008-12-23T16:06:29Z

March, fuck you. Not even Pi Day could save you. In March, in case you were unsure, pi day is not about delicious pie. In March, Pi Day is about Math. And this is why March is terrible. Usually, March is just a month where nothing happens. It has no real seasonal, holiday, or event impact from year to year. 2008, however, March was determined to make us pay for forgetting it. Think of it as March: The Revenge.

To start, March of 2008 saw the US dollar become pretty worthless. The US Dollar became more worthless than the Canadian dollar, as loonie as that seems. After repeatedly testing 100 yen in Asian dealings and early European action, the dollar touches 99.75, its lowest level since November 1995. And it would just get worse from here. Of course, March also held other harbingers of doom. Bear Stearns tanked epically almost out of nowhere which would preclude later events of the year. However, it was on that March day, two days after the dollar plummeted, that JPMorgan Chase announced plans to buy investment bank Bear Stearns for $2 a share following liquidity problems caused by the mortgage crisis.

I think that was the first time I was really worried that things were going to get awful. They did, later, and are still a fucking mess, but it was on that March day that I was taken aback and was faced with just how big a pickle we are in. This included the fact that McCain all but clinched his Republican nomination in March. I remember being utterly convinced that McCain would be our next president. Which, if this had been 2000, that would have been okay with me. However, in 2008, in March of 2008, McCain had become a complete tool in every sense of the word. What a month of dread you brought, March.

Fuck you.

In Sports:

Brett Favre retired...and then he decided he wanted to stay in the news by tickling our balls with rumors that his demise was premature. What ensued was among the most annoying ongoing sagas that the news media has perpetuated in a long time. Brett Favre would go on to be traded to the Jets by the Packers. But in March, our long national nightmare was just beginning. Also, I swear to God that I saw a Wranglers Jeans ad with Brett Favre in it where he kicks a dog in the junk. I swear. It happened.

The 2008 baseball season started on March 30 - In the first ever game played at Washington's newly built Nationals Park. Baseball shouldn't start in March. It's something of a minor travesty. Basically, with expanded playoffs baseball now runs from the end of March until November. That's crazy. Baseball should begin on April 4th and end on October 22nd. Every year. Also, the opening game should be played in Cincinnati. GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN!

Best music: Hercules and Love Affair - S/T - I'm a pretty big fan of Antony Hegarty's voice. I've embedded below the title track from the album. It's one of those openers that encompasses the whole album. You guys can have sex to it.

Best Movie: Um? - I mean, I guess Run, Fat Boy, Run was funny. I guess Funny Games was provocative for a film that was reshot scene for scene. I think what happened here is in the cycle of scripts, this happened to be the month that suffered the most from the writers strike. I mean, College Road Trip? Doomsday? 21? Drillbit Taylor? Superhero Movie? And maybe worst of all, Never Back Down? No thank you. If anything, I think this month just shows you how valuable writers are. The next time screen writers are up to renegotiate that shitty deal they caved in for, they should just come with a handful of the DVDs of these movies. That is, if they even bothered to print them.

Notable death: Arthur C. Clarke - Good God, he did so much with his life that I was pretty sure he'd invent a way to never die. But, he apparently failed at that and died. Not only did he write 2001, he was a radar instructor in the Royal Air Force where he proposed satellite communication systems. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He took up the cause to fight for the preservation of gorillas. He was knighted. And, almost as an afterthought, he was a scuba diver. What the hell. I made a grilled cheese for dinner. That's the most I've ever done in my life and will ever do. I can't wait for his essence to come back in a robot...

In Fittz news: I moved to the other side of the lake in Oakland. That was pretty cool. I'm now on the side of the lake that has knife violence instead of gun violence. This is a step up.

2008: In Abstract - Feburary

2008-12-22T07:56:43Z

The Miracle on Ice. Clay Aiken's career. Joe Namath's guarantee. Rulon Gardner. Appalachian State at the Big House. Three 6 Mafia wins an Oscar.
This:

Upsets. In February 2008 the big national stories were Super Tuesday setting up an Obama upset bid to history and Fidel Castro retiring with an upset anus. February 3rd 2008 also saw the New York Giants upset the undefeated and unbelievable New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.

Now, I know, it's sports. Sports do not matter just like TV doesn't matter and popular music doesn't matter. I hear you. But let me tell you something, you ingrate hipsters, you need to know how amazing the Giants win over the Patriots was. First off, there are no two fan bases that are more despicable than those of New York and Boston. So, while neither of the people that care about these teams deserved this match up, my hardened sports heart grew three sizes that Super Bowl Sunday watching the unfathomable transpire.

The fact is, the Patriots came into the game with a record of 18-0. They were undefeated. That is something that had not happened since 1972 back when teams only played 14 regular season games. Essentially, it was the first time a team had ever been 18-0 in any one season and hadn't lost a game in 21 straight contests; That's inconceivable. 18-0 made the Patriots the first professional team since 1884 in any of the four major American sports (football, basketball, baseball, hockey) to win the first 18 games of their season. The Giants on the other hand were a team that not only lost to the Patriots in week 17 of the season, they also backed their way into the playoffs forcing them to win three games on the road that they were not favored to win just to get to Arizona.

Let's look at it this way:

Tom Brady set the single-season record for most touchdowns in a season with 50, breaking Peyton Manning's mark of 49 from 2004.
Randy Moss broke the record for most touchdown receptions in a season with 23, surpassing Jerry Rice's total of 22 set in 1987 (in 12 games!).
The Patriots scored 589 points, more than any other team scored in any other regular season. The previous record was 556 points by the '98 Vikings.
Tom Brady connected with Randy Moss for more touchdowns that season than any other quarterback has to any other receiver in any single season, ever.

The Giants, on the other hand, were led by an all-grown-up FAS baby:

It shouldn't have happened by all estimations and it will never happen again. I'd wager we won't see a team as dominant as the Patriots were for one season to have them ultimately lose to a team that didn't even win their division ever again. It was the biggest upset in the history of the Super Bowl and one of those upsets the reminds you that wagering we won't see a team as dominant as the Patriots were for one season to have them ultimately lose to a team that didn't even win their division ever again is why sports rewards those that follow it. An upset in itself.

In Entertainment:

The 80th Academy Awards ceremony is held in the Kodak Theater, Hollywood. Major winners include:

Best Picture: No Country for Old Men

Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis

Best Actress: Marion Cotillard

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem

Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton

Best Cleavage: Jack Nicholson

Best music: Sebastian Tellier - Sexuality - Sébastian Tellier is pretty much a pervert who makes music for perverts to do perverted things to. I'd probably have sex with him, though.

Best Movie: Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert - In Bruges was pretty good and I still can't get that erection I've had since seeing Definitely, Maybe to subside. For my money, however, you just can't top that look in Billy Ray's eyes when he sees his little girl up there on the stage. There's just something about it that makes my achy breaky heart smile.

Notable death: Roy Scheider - You knew him as Police Chief Martin Brody in that flashback scene in Jaws IV: The Revenge whereas I knew him as Captain Nathan Bridger in SeaQuest DSV. His intimate affairs with the talking dolphin Darwin stirred me into adolescence. He showed unbelievable range going from an Ahabian obsession for killing a defenseless shark to later in his career showing he could learn to love a sea-dwelling creature.

In Fittz news: This happened:

2008: In Abstract

2008-12-21T13:01:38Z

Back in the middle of this decade I created entries to memorialize the epic years of 2004 and 2005. Then, I stopped. This is because 2006 and 2007 were terrible. Looking back upon those years would have been like looking into your reflection at the bottom of a warmed bottle of tequila that you nursed for 365 days. 2008, however, is worth your contemplation and mine.

And what an exciting year it was; Historic. I would wager there is a good possibility that when we're all 65, this will be the year in which we regale our snobbish, ungrateful grandchildren with tales about. From Sarah Barracuda to Barry O'Bomber, we learned more about politician basketball nicknames since the days of Gerry "Chocolate Thunder" Ford.

We saw communists host an event where the entire point is to prove one individual can be better than someone else at a pointless event and as such be rewarded with a golden medal. Common ownership of be damned!

Other events:

Our economy went into the toilet officially.

The US Dollar became equal in value to a single ply sheet of a Brawny Paper Towel. And, honestly, Washington is no where near as handsome as the Brawny guy.

We saw venerable financial establishments brought to their knees.

The Dow fell over 6,000 points.

The unemployment rate exceeded record levels.

Gas prices rose to nearly $5 a gallon.

Cannibalization was legalized.

The entirety of Canada disappeared mysteriously for weeks only to return a land of paradise that no one can enter or leave. No one knows why.

Jesus returned, told us he'd "BBL" and then took off in flight like Neo at the end of the first Matrix movie complete with Wake Up by Rage Against The Machine playing from the lutes and harps of the angels.

Also, I suppose, other things happened; Real things.

And so, follow along with me as I look back on the year 2008. We begin this nearly 2 week journey with...

January is an interesting month because it is fresh. It is new. Finally, that 2009 Ford Accord you bought in July '08 is actually in the year in which it is named. Somehow, the departed previous year has squirted out a new year for us to consume and ultimately make the planet worse. But, also, we get to wear really awesome party hats and I'm told there is confetti.

When I review or ponder January of a year, I always think back upon one thing: Did Dick Clark die? Invariably I come back to this answer: No, no he did not. It is my memory's compass.

In January my compass rose pointed north straight at the heart of the underlining event of the entire year that would find its start unfold with the Iowa Caucuses. Because Iowa is allowed to hold their caucus 8 days before any other state for reasons only known by corn, I'd assume, often times the event can be some what predictive of the November outcome. On January 3rd we saw the Obama rise build momentum to his ultimate showdown against...wait, Mike Huckabee?

Seriously? Mike Huckabee? Not only did Mike Huckabee win, he won with 34.36% of the vote. He also successfully turned this win into many a cold sweaty night for all sane Americans. Mike Huckabee's 34% win means that over 1 of every 3 Republican people in Iowa wanted Mike Huckabee to be our president. Did you know Iowa's State Rock is the Geode? That's pretty cool, no? You know what isn't cool? Iowa. And as such, Iowa should never be allowed to lead us in an important decision ever again.

I do realize that Mike Huckabee is essentially the Conservative answer to Dennis Kucinich. It is shameful that Kucinich couldn't even freak the public out by winning on of these crazy early states. I still hold out hope, however. KUCINICH '08!

In Entertainment:

Atonement wins the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture - Drama at the 65th Golden Globe Awards. Sweeney Todd wins the Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy essentially making every following Golden Globe award entirely pointless. Good luck 66th Golden Globe Awards.
David Letterman returned to the air from the writers strike after an interim agreement with the Writers Guild of America with a Strike Beard. It was hailed as the greatest moment on television since the final episode of M*A*S*H*.

In Sports:

The All American Football League held its inaugural draft. One would assume it isn't a soccer league.
John Part wins his third world title beating qualifier Kirk Shepherd 7-2 in sets at the 2008 PDC World Darts Championship. He also set the world record for sex with women with mullets in one year.

Best Music:
MGMT - Oracular Spectacular - Each song on this album sounded like a different era of music than the last. I also love the idea of these two guys basically starting a band based on satire. Also, they made a video where they rode around on kittens killing giant monsters which is quintessential.

Here's an embarrassing video someone made of one of my favorite songs from the album:

Best Movie: Cloverfield - This movie showed, along with Snakes on a Plane before it, that Internet hype doesn't help. Nothing kills the joy of a movie more than the people that talk about entertainment on the Internet talking about a movie for half a year. This is especially the case when that is the basis for 90% of the marketing of a film. The actual movie was fun, interesting, and well done. Seriously, why do we have to drag people on the Internet into these things? What's next, bloggers with producer credits? (I'm totally free, by the way, Mr. Abrams.) Anyhow, if I am ever in a 50 ft. monster attack in NYC, tough luck, incomple, I'm just not going to come back for you.

Notable death: Speaking of viral marketing... In an incredible ploy for an acting Oscar nod, Heath Ledger overdosed on pills on January 22nd after seeing what could not be unseen. Namely, Michelle Tanner's vagina.

In Fittz news: I'm not entirely certain that I remember doing much of anything in January of 2008. What I do know is January when reviewing an entire year is usually the least memorable. That is except for March. March is the Delaware of months. It's completely useless.

Anything Helps!

2008-12-13T02:24:01Z

I left work today with a hankerin' for a smooth/delicious milk shake. I had the shakes for a shake you could say...but you probably wouldn't. Anyhow, the best shake is unquestionably at the Carl's Jr. (Also know as: "Hardee's" if you're in the south or "Shitty" if you have dignity.) Other than the shakes, they have nothing to offer except for shame. For example:

A horror never to be tamed.

I went over preparing for a milky taste sensation in my mouth when I stumbled upon this guy:

Apparently, I asked for comedy with my shake. I just had to stop and ask, "How did this happen?" At first, he made his pitch. He was hungry. I live in Bay Area so I'm used to the people asking me for money (Sometimes with a gun!). So, I heard him out but then I got to issue at hand, "Yes, but, 'McHungry?'" And he said to me:

"Oh, yes...haha. Well, I went to the McDonald's at first but no one was biting. I came over here where people have more change in their pockets. I didn't have time or the ability to make a new sign, but, you know...maybe they'll just think I'm Irish."

So, yes, in case you are wondering, I gave him $4.75 from the change after my shake. I have always believed that comedy is to be rewarded.

You've heard of Talk Like A Pirate Day...

2008-12-09T21:00:07Z

Today is Talk Like An Asshole Day.

So, I invite you all to choke on my Gentleman's Relish. (That means semen, you bag of dicks.)

Tis the season

2008-12-03T03:18:56Z

The True Meaning of Black Friday

2008-11-29T03:49:23Z

So Black Friday. Can you feel the magic in the air? Say you've had a hole burning in your pocket for some cheap wares all year long. Well, today was your day, champ. I hope you got your discounted HBO series box set that you wanted.

Worse yet, what do you get the spoiled brat who has everything? Why, of course, the latest/hottest toy of the season...and today it was 80% off! You've made the lil' monster and now you've stood in line for 5 hours in the cold of dusk to feed him.

Well, I can only imagine how things get out of hand. If you don't get your BEST SALE OF THE YEAR electronics, games, and toys, why, your family might never speak to you again. Apparently, however, people are now killing to praise baby Jesus the most with the biggest and best load under their tree. CNN is reporting that a Wal-Mart worker died along with two killed at Toys R Us.

You know, I do understand wanting to make things special for the holidays. I do. However, I can't imagine the impulse that fires off in someone's head that puts them into such a mental state that killing someone over a toy is to proper thing to do in that moment in time. A blood soaked Elmo is not something I would have been enjoyed as a child.

But you know, if we kill on Black Friday, we don't kill for a plush toy. We kill for giant televisions, MP3 Players, or discounted jewelery. What's going on at this toy store? Killed for a game of Scattergories? An Incredible Hulk action figure with Ed Norton action? A Power Wheels Harley Davidson Motorcycle? What a shameful way to go. Imagine dying for a game of Madden 09. How embarrassing.

It crossed my mind that if someone was killed for a game of Madden, would word get back to John Madden himself? How would he feel? Would he put down the Tough Acting Tinactin long enough to shed a tear for what he had wrought?

And so, I present to you, for the newly minted holiday season, a preenacted scene of John Madden's reaction to hearing the news that someone was killed the day after Thanksgiving for the video game that bears his name:

John Madden's agent Barry Frank: Hey John, It's Barry here. How's the family? How was Thanksgiving?

Madden: BOOM! BARRY HOW YA DOIN' WE HAD A TURDUCKEN WITH SIX LEGS! SIX LEGS! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? AND THE WIFE MADE A APPLUMKIN PIE! THAT'S AN APPLE PIE IN A BLUEBERRY PIE IN A PUMPKIN PIE! THAT'S THREE PIES IN ONE, BARRY! HA HA!

BF: Yeah, hey, listen...I mean, sounds nice. Hey look, I have something I need to tell you, John.

Madden: DOINK! MAKE IT QUICK I HAVE TO I'M HEADING DOWN TO ACE HARDWARE FOR THE SALE TODAY THEY HAVE THE TURBO WOLVERINE POWER DRILL FOR ONLY $79.99! THAT'S 60% OFF! I HAVE TO GET MY HANDS ON THAT BAD BOY! WHAP!

BF: Yeah, hey, it's actually about the sales. Word out of California is some folks actually had a scuffle over one of the Madden 09 games...

Madden: OH BOY...

BF: Yeah, two are dead, John. Hey look, I just thought I should be the one to tell you. Hey, I'm sorry, John.

Madden: TWO PEOPLE YOU SAY?

BF: Yeah, John. Two people were killed. Look, I'm your agent. I just needed you to be prepared, you know?

Madden: IF TWO PEOPLE ARE DEAD THAT MEANS THEY AREN'T LIVING ANYMORE!

BF: Right, John, hey look...are you okay with this?

Madden: BAM! I'M BLINDSIDED! I KNEW SUMMERALL WAS RIGHT ABOUT THESE DARN OL'
GAMES!

BF: Look, that's not the issue right now, John. We should do something for these families.

Madden: OOF! YOU'RE RIGHT! SEND THEM A CASE OF OUTBACK STEAKS AND LET THEM KNOW I WILL COME BY IN THE CRUISER TO TELESTRATE THEIR FUNERALS!

BF: I'll do that, John. Hey listen, you take care of yourself.

MADDEN: ...boom.

I hope you enjoyed the mise en scène of this possible moment from some point in time.