11 Years of Internet

It recently dawned on me that this LiveJournal blog is over a decade old. When I started this blog as a 19 year old, my life was in pretty rough shape. I was rudderless, naïve, and, worst of all, I was boring. But, I had youth on my side. Sweet, sweet youth. The world was my oyster and the sands of time promised to smooth me into the pearl you read before you. Well, as it turns out, that wasn't sand and I'm no pearl.

Now, at 30 years old, I am rudderless, naïve, and, worst of all, I'm 30 years old.

But this isn't about feeling old on the Internet. Something made me feel remorseful when I realized that I had missed the opportunity to write an entry during the year of this blog's tenth anniversary. So, I'm going to have to do it in year 11.

Here are 11 lists of 11 things for 11 years of LiveJournal Era Internet. That's right. I return to the Blogosphere to post lists.

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Excerpts From Doug & Order

I recently stumbled upon a spec script I wrote way back in the year 1999. It presupposes that my favorite things when I was 10 years old and when I was 15 years old were in fact one. Those things? The seminal cartoon Doug and the relentlessly great Law & Order.


Here, let's read from its genius.


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For more hilarious comedies, visit my new joint The Restraining Order dot com.

Charles Haley Has a Giant Penis and He Wants You to Watch Him Masturbate It

Reposted from The Restraining Order

I'd reckon that any of the four people that stumbled upon this post would not recognize just how great the early 90s Dallas Cowboys were. I mean, sure, to most, they're considered the team of that decade. They had the triplets with Emmitt, Aikman and Irvin. They won three Super Bowls out of four years and probably should have won at least five with that core of talent. But, in addition to those highlights that pretty much anyone can rattle off, those Cowboys teams were special beyond any other for one simple reason, they were fucking crazy. EPIC CRAZY.

I mention this having read recently a good portion of Jeff Pearlman's book Boys Will Be Boys, a retrospective on the heydays of the 90s Cowboys.

Among other things mentioned;
  • Born again Christian, former mink coat strutting, hooker and coke loving, AMAZING wide receiver Michael Irvin and "Scissor Gate." This being where Irvin attempted to end teammate Everett McIver's life by stabbing him in the neck with a pair of scissors for not giving up his seat at the barber shop so Irvin could us his team seniority to cut in line for a haircut. Irvin then paid McIver to not press charges/keep it out of the press.

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For much more comedy, please visit http://www.therestrainingorder.com. I can't promise anything, but there could be nudes!

And so,

A few days before April 1st I've come to you with an announcement that on that day would have made this unbelievable, I come to you to proclaim that the comedy stylings of me, apoplecticfittz, has a new home. I've finally decided to go legit.

That's right, you're old pal Christopher Fittz is finally doing something with the webhosting plan he bought SIX YEARS AGO. Along with friends and LiveJournal hero veterans eagonrabidglowevilweevil2029otimus, and roter_terror I am now posting at and co-running a website we've deemed:

You can find more information about what we are about on the about us page. But, just to let you know what you can expect from me there, mostly more of the same of what you've come to expect from me here, just more frequent and much more focused. Some highlights of the stuff I've submitted to The Restraining Order:

Here's a video I made when it was claimed that Law & Order was "too highbrow" for me:

Here's a post about ShamWow pitchmen Vince Offer's crazy prositute adventure:

And, lastly, here's an entry I crafted to catch up with the March Madness Craze, the Monkey Knife Fight Madness, that is:

And, of course, much, much more. (sunday Sunday SUNDAY!)

I'm not completely giving up on LiveJournal, however most of my comedy will be seen at TheRestrainingOrder.com. So, please bookmark us, RSS feed us,(Add to Google
You can click here to add our website to your iGoogle or Google Reader magic-machines.) and come by and check it out from time to time if you miss me.


The Most Beautiful Woman

I know we, as a fickle society, often struggle with the guttural opinion as to whether or not Sarah Jessica Parker is a physically attractive person. I've often, personally, fallen on the idea that she is a leathery goblin. However, I have had heated debates and the outcome is often polarizing. I mean, sometimes we're presented with the likes of this:

But then, something like this happens and fear and disgust cloud our minds:

What kind of voodoo is she...Wait, what? God. No!

Anyhow, my penis and the penises of a generation have been befuddled and confounded by this woman for decades now. That is, until tonight, when the heavens opened up through the magic of television and displayed a goddess to me. I was watching 30 Rock and paused my DVR during a Garnier UltraLift Pro-X commercial. You've probably seen it, it has SJP explaining the need to professionally lift one's skin in an ultra way with some creme.

Even though the laws of DVR technology promised to suspend time at my whim, Sarah's elegance and divinity shown through and would not be reined in by my insatiable need to grab chocolate truffles off of my coffee table. Sarah and I were locked in a magical, memorable moment. As Valentine's Day nears, I feel it is only fitting that I share with you a gift from the very essence of beauty. Angels, you see, cannot be contained.

That feeling you have right now, as though estranged lovers are passionately thrusting their sex upon your unready stomach lining, that's not because you are creeped out by what you just saw, no. You witnessed the same as I did. I believe all rulings to the contrary most be made moot. Sarah Jessica Parker came to me last night to end the mystery once and for all. Sarah Jessica Parker is The Most Beautiful Woman.

Super Bowl Traditions...

So, Super Bowl Sunday has came and went. But, watching the pomp surrounding the game yesterday got me thinking about all of the traditions that have come to be synonymous with the Superest of all Bowls.

  • Traditionally, you have your buddies over for some wings, beer, and spinach dip.

  • Traditionally, you have your six to six and a half hour pre-game show where we find out everything we ever wanted to know about the underdog's courageous punter. (His dad probably died a week before the game after promising he'd only tell him he was proud of him if he ever made it to the Super Bowl.)

  • Traditionally, you have the armed forces involved somehow. Whether it be a color guard brigade or some Blue Angels flying over head. We're generally going to feel some Troop-guilt for caring about football while another newly-minted (now single) mother finds out her husband just had his head blown off for a war he begged to be let out of.

  • Traditionally, Faith Hill will sing something. Somewhere along the way Faith Hill became synonymous with football. No one knows how or especially why, but there she is, every time I watch a game, queefing out another song about our fastest growing sport.

  • Traditionally, companies will spend millions upon millions on ads featuring monkeys. These ads will be so over-hyped that even your girlfriend will stomach the sight of your wing-stained face and beer-bloated, belt unbuckled, gut-overlapping look for the opportunity to see what the Ad Wizards will think of next. Traditionally, we now watch the game solely for the commercials.

  • Traditionally, the winning quarterback will awkwardly reply to a waiting camera upon the question, "Hey, (insert balding star), you've just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do now?" with "I'm going to Disney World!" At which, the poor guy will actually have to go to Disney World, as though he is now bound by law, and ride in a parade with Mickey Mouse dressed as a football player.

And possibly the biggest tradition of them all now, the Super Bowl Halftime show. Half circus, half dirty live sex act. The Super Bowl Halftime has a long history of one-up-manship. I've decided to look into the history of this tradition.

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